I had no idea what “worse” would look like in marriage. We were both naive. We thought we took the high and happy road by being fully committed to covenantal love for one another, and that would lead to a ton of better and little worse. Experientially  it didn’t. Though we’ve never even discussed divorce since we see it as a non-option, it doesn’t take the breaking of a marriage apart for a married couple to be broken. Still God, through giving us one another, makes those “worse” time, as bad as they are, really a “better” time because He is there with us, and we are there with each other. 

Today my wife and I are celebrating 20 years of marriage. I could write the obligatory post or FB update on how amazing she is and how undeserving I am and how I’m glad we get to go on this journey together and I hope we get 20 more years on this journey. I believe those things and could easily say them and mean them.

I could talk about how much joy I still have when I see her or hear her voice. But we’ve both come to realize that after 10 years those things were easy to say, but after 20 there’s a whole lot of other things in our lives that won’t allow me to write something trite because 20 years of marriage isn’t easy. It’s been very hard. The fun of the first 10 years disappeared a bit in the light of other developments. We often say to each other, remember when we used to make up corny songs or give each other silly nicknames? Of course we remember, but we don’t do that nearly as much now. We still do some of that, but they have mostly disappeared in the light of other developments.

In the second 10 years of marriage God has made sure we understand things about ourselves we didn’t wish to learn. He has brought us into and maybe never-in-this-body out of certain kinds of suffering. He has shown us how fragile life is with our marriage, our kids, our continuing struggle with selfishness and heart idols. So on this our 20th anniversary, we want to share some thoughts about marriage, mostly for my younger married and not yet married readers. We often think about you with a bit of envy that we can’t go back to the time when marriage was easy and a daily adventure. It really was easy in comparison with what has come to us. And we know our experience won’t be common to all, or the timing of what we have learned, but we hope others find it helpful as we have found it helpful to meditate on our marriage and share these things with you.

What I offer below isn’t some well crafted, well edited article. It’s my anniversary morning thoughts, unplanned beyond the time it took to write it. We talked as I wrote, and this post accurately relays how we feel. This is what 20 years of marriage vows have meant to us, though we could obviously say much more. And we hope to convey that we aren’t complaining. We can’t talk about the vows without mentioning the hard part of the vows. It’s not pretty or easy, but it’s good.

1. To Have And To Hold From This Day Forward

Having and holding each other felt pretty doggone good 20 years ago. I remember as a young unmarried man thinking of how amazing it would be to be married one day and holding a woman who loves me at any moment of any day that I’d like to hold her. And now 20 years later we hold each other less often than we did, but still a lot. Some days, right in the middle of the day, we will go lay in the bed for a bit and hold each other and talk about whatever. It still is a joy, though we find ourselves thinking of something that needs to get done and move on.

In a bigger sense, we 20 years later have still only each other to have, and each other to hold. There is no one else, and we love that. And we are still each other’s best friend. What we started in only having and holding each other has continued. And we look forward to more days, weeks, months, and years of only holding one another.

In the last 10 years, we didn’t just get the pleasure of having and holding each other. We had to, often because there was little else in this life given to us by God to cling to. We still had each other. We held each other when under attack from gossips, when Molly had both of her brain surgeries, when horrible things happened to our children, when the things of this world and the messengers of Satan pushed us, we fell into the arms of God and each other. And we’re still here.

It isn’t good for man to be alone, and at times in ministry and in various times and places, it’s been very lonely. I remember many days and nights, from early on to two days ago, where something in me needed to hold someone and she was there. By God’s magnificent grace He has provided me with a beautiful, godly, loving wife…to have and to hold. And we move forward.

2. For Better, For Worse

We’ve had remarkable “better” times. I know a lot of married people who seem to love each other very much. Good on them. But I can’t think of anyone who has more fun being married than me and Molly. It’s a trip. And “better” times are just grand, when the bills are paid and the basement isn’t flooding and the kids are getting good grades and there aren’t any cavities. When times are good we sing together and enjoy each other’s company. We forgive each other quickly and enjoy each others idiosyncrasies. We make time to hang out and talk, to get alone, to spend time around others. But anyone can endure the better times.

Especially during the last 10 of our 20 years the “worse” times have been pretty bad. Some very bad. Some things we’ve been through are still too painful to describe in a post like this, so I won’t. Many of my readers already know some significant “worse” times through my blogging during and after Molly’s brain surgeries. We haven’t had it as bad as many others, and we’ve had it worse than many others. But comparison isn’t the point and isn’t how we think of our marriage. This is our road. It’s our marriage.

We’ve had to preach the gospel to each other a lot. In worse times the gospel can get lost. God has given us each other to put someone there day by day to speak of the cross and peace and grace and love and forgiveness when one of us is distracted by the worse of our own sinfulness or the bad things that happen to us. Our stresses tend to bleed into each others lives because we are one, but we endure together. Sometimes the one not suffering gets angry or bitter and the one who is suffering is suffering well and reminds the other of how Jesus suffered for us and the gospel breaks us of our bitterness.

I had no idea what “worse” would look like in marriage. We were both naive. We thought we took the high and happy road by being fully committed to covenantal love for one another, and that would lead to a ton of better and little worse. Experiencially, it didn’t. Though we’ve never even discussed divorce since we see it as a non-option, it doesn’t take the breaking of a marriage apart for a married couple to be broken. Still God, through giving us one another, makes those “worse” time, as bad as they are, really a “better” time because He is there with us, and we are there with each other.

3. For Richer, For Poorer

We’ve never appeared on the “richer” side of things for the American middle class context. My income has always been lower than to provide all the things we generally believe we need as Americans. After all this time our kids haven’t gotten braces and don’t have money for college.  The last 5-6 cars have been free or almost free, by necessity. Our last three homes have been parsonages or missionary housing, free of charge, and we have never owned a home or townhouse. Nearly everyone our age and life stage is driving something newer and better. Everyone’s house is bigger. Everyone’s retirement account is fuller. Probably not completely fair, but the feeling is there and mostly accurate.

But 20 years of marriage has taught us that a bigger house doesn’t make for a happy home. A nicer car often means a bigger car payment which we don’t have. We aren’t living for retirement, because we realize real rest is coming on That Day. Sure, we’d like a new BMW or Suburban to drive. Really we would. But being married and having four amazing kids and keeping things simple is a kind of riches to us.

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