“If our marriages aren’t filled with kindness and joy, why would anyone want what we offer? But when they see in us a mutual delight, a gentle and easy trust in one another, they can’t help but ask, “What’s your secret?” And we can tell them that it’s no secret at all. It’s Jesus.”

When we volunteered to help a couple in our church move, the wife looked appreciative, but a bit worried. “I need to tell you,” she said in a low tone as she leaned forward, “My sister, Debi, will be there helping us, too, and she’s a … a stripper.”

“Well,” Tanya answered with a laugh, “she’s not going to practice while we’re loading the truck, will she?” Assuring her that we would be fine and that we actually looked forward to meeting her sister, she seemed relieved.

On the day of the move we were delighted to meet Debi and were struck by two things about her: how ordinary she seemed and what a hard worker she was. Still, I could only imagine how she viewed men, and I took care that day to stay very connected to Tanya, especially in front of her. Little touches, light banter, an occasional peck on the cheek as she passed me with a box filled with sweaters.

When we stopped for a quick lunch, Debi was observing us closely. We talked with our friends about church and about what God was doing there, she asked a few questions about how we met and how long we had been together, but mostly we were just ourselves and enjoyed each other’s company. We finished the move, invited her to visit our church sometime, and said a warm goodbye as we held hands and walked to our car.

A week later our friend called to say thank you for helping them move, but she said, “I really called to tell you some incredible news. My sister, Debi, was completely blown away by your relationship. This past week several times she would ask me if you guys are for real and finally she asked me what made the difference in your marriage. What do you have that makes you love each other like that? I saw my opportunity to tell her that it’s Jesus that makes the difference in your lives and I shared the gospel with her and she has trusted Christ!”

That happened more than 20 years ago, but some variation of that story has happened many times in our 34-year marriage. In fact, without question, our relationship is the greatest evangelism tool we have. On a beach, at a restaurant, on a plane, in a mall, it just happens. People notice that we are in love, that we cherish and adore one another and they’ll start a conversation about it. Eventually they get to the question: “What is your secret?”

One time I was on the phone with an airline ticket agent when the airline’s computer system went down. Apologizing profusely, she described the situation and suggested that I might want to call back later because she didn’t know how long it would be before things were working again. I told her that I didn’t mind waiting. “In fact,” I explained, “if this is the biggest problem I have today this is a great day.”

“Wow. You sure are a positive person,” she responded.

“Well, my wife is the world’s most upbeat person and she won’t let me complain much! I’ve got the greatest wife in the world, and I’ve really got no excuse to be down. We’ve been married [at that time] 18 years and I love her more today than I did the day we got married. She is fantastic.”

“Sir,” she said, “I don’t think I’ve ever heard anybody married that long talk about his wife like that. May I ask you a question? What is the secret to a great relationship like that?”

“You don’t really want me to tell you that,” I teased.

“Yes, yes, I really do, “she pleaded. “You see, I’m recently divorced, and if I ever get married again, that’s the kind of relationship I want. So really, what’s your secret?”

“Well, if you really want me to tell you – we both have the same core value. You see, you can come from different backgrounds, be from different ethnic groups, or have almost any other difference, but if you don’t agree on the core value – the one thing in life that is more important than anything else, the one thing that matters most – then your marriage won’t be very happy. We both have the same core value that we pour our lives into and in that shared significance we find a joy in one another that we could not have any other way.”

I did not have to wait long for the question I knew she would ask: “Well, what’s your core value?”

“Oh, you don’t want me to tell you that!” I joked.

“Yes, yes, I do,” she answered. “What is the one thing that both of you find more important than anything else?”

“Okay,” I answered, “you asked. We both are followers of Jesus Christ and he is Lord of our lives. We have found that by putting him in first place we love each other much more in second place than if we put one another in first place and put him in second place. Does that make sense?”

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