God is most wise, and he has only given us a few vital areas with which to concern ourselves when it comes to compatibility: Sexual compatibility, spiritual compatibility, and gender-roles compatibility. When we move beyond these, we keep ourselves from the blessing of marriage.

Much is made these days about compatibility when it comes to romantic relationships. Indeed, the entire online dating industry is built upon the idea of compatibility. A simple Google search will provide you a dizzying array of romance gurus ready to share their wisdom on how to find the person with whom you are the most compatible.

One popular Christian dating website offers seven types of compatibility, including the nebulous “Personality Compatibility.” One social-psychologist states that when we’ve found another person with whom we share the “traits that really matter” we are most likely to experience the greatest happiness and avoid divorce. That’s quite a promise.

Unfortunately, the idea of compatibility, if misunderstood (as it commonly is), can keep Christian men and women from marriage rather than serving as a means to draw them into it. But Scripture clears away the complexity often created by these compatibility discussions by giving us only three areas with which we must concern ourselves. Let’s consider each of these categories.

Sexual Compatibility

First, there is sexual compatibility. Is the person in whom you are interested a member of the opposite sex? If so, then you are sexually compatible (Genesis 2:22-24).

Spiritual Compatibility

Second, there is spiritual compatibility. Is the person in whom you are interested a Christian? If so, then you are spiritually compatible. Of course, this principle assumes that you have good reason to believe that the person with whom you are interested is truly a Christian. A mere profession faith in Christ is not enough. Nor is an active religious lifestyle sufficient to determine if a person is truly a born-again.

Marks of genuine conversion include understanding and enjoying the truth of the gospel (Rom 1:16-17; 1 Cor 1:18-31), bearing of spiritual fruit (Gal 5:22-23), a desire for holiness (Matt 5:8; Heb 12:14), a tender spirit toward the Word of God (Jer 31:31-34; Ezek 36:25-27; Psalm 119), a love for Christ (1 Cor 16:22), a willingness to make hard, costly decisions for the sake of obedience to Christ (Luke 9:23-25), and so on. While we can never be absolutely certain of another person’s regeneration (because we can’t see their hearts) these are marks of genuine faith that will allow us to make a reasonable decision of whom to date and marry.

Gender-Roles Compatibility

Finally, there is compatibility in the area of gender roles. The reason why I believe this is an issue of biblical compatibility is that gender roles comprise the very essence of male-female romantic relationships. If you disagree with the idea that the man’s God-given calling is to lead, protect, and provide for his wife and family, and the woman’s God-given calling is to follow and support her husband and care for the home and children, then one of you will have to violate your conscience in order to have peace in the relationship and in the home. The Bible, however, is explicitly against intentionally violating one’s own consciences or requiring another Christian to do so (see Romans 14:23). If you are unable to find agreement on this issue, it would be best to graciously part ways and look for someone with whom you share the same convictions.

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