We should have a church policy. But that isn’t what we should present upfront to those who’re cohabitating. It’s far better to let them wrestle with what Jesus requires of them and then explain that it’s out of our understanding of his requirements that we have created our church policies.

“How do you deal with couples who’re living together and think it is fine?” A Tanzanian pastor recently asked me this question when I was visiting him. But it obviously isn’t an issue that’s specific to East Africa. Back in South Africa, where our church is, we are experiencing the same issue; and many people are reporting a similar trend around the world. Countless Christian couples the world around are cohabitating and see no problem with it. Cohabitation before marriage has become so normalised in many cultures that professing believers are surprised when they receive pushback about their living arrangements.

Without a doubt, African Christianity is strongly influenced by trends in the US. And according to a survey by Barna back in 2016, 65% of Americans thought cohabitation was a good thing. When the survey was narrowed to practising Christians, still 41% had no issue with it. What Barna also found is that each progressive generation (from Elders, to Boomers, to Gen Xers, through to Millennials) considered cohabitating more and more normal. When Barna asked the reason why people cohabited, over 85% of respondents stated it was to test compatibility. For anyone trying to hold to a biblical worldview, this should be a concerning trend.

Below, we’ll consider briefly why cohabitation isn’t compatible with biblical Christianity, given that marriage is covenantal. Finally, I’ll suggest a pastoral approach to try and win people over.

Is Cohabitating Actually Wrong?

I’ve had several Christian couples ask this question in our church. While it’s easy to find Bible verses about sex before marriage (see 1 Corinthians 7:2; 1 Thessalonians 4:3), finding verses that speak about living together is harder. This is partly because it was so unheard of in Jewish and early Christian cultures that the authors of the Bible didn’t really need to write about it. Apart from Hebrews 13:4, where the author states the marriage bed should be “undefiled,” the only other example I can find is the woman at the well (John 4:1-45).

Having had more marriages than a Hollywood A-lister (five was her count), Jesus prophetically identified that the man she was living with was not her husband (John 4:18). She was cohabitating. Even in Samaritan communities, this was socially shunned at the time, and was probably the reason she was drawing water alone (John 4:7, 28). But these passages are hardly a strong foundation to build a theology from. To do this, we should look at the issue in relation to the theological concept of covenant.

Marriage as Covenant

The real issue with cohabitation goes much deeper than testing compatibility before marriage. Cohabitation strikes against everything a marriage is. For marriage is fundamentally a covenant. That is, it’s a binding agreement to stick together through thick and thin (Proverbs 2:16-17). That’s why we have the famous vows: “for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” Cohabitation is the polar opposite of this. Its mantra is ‘let’s give this and try and see if it works for both of us.’ There is no commitment. No promises.

 Those cohabitating often live with all the benefits of marriage—shared house, shared finances, shared bed, sexual intimacy, raising children, etc.—but without any of the commitments of marriage. The level of commitment is akin to a one-night stand that keeps getting extended. This can occur for years. And once this starts to look like a marriage, there is little perceived benefit to then make vows to each other.

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