Jesus’s earthly life demonstrates a deep commitment to relationships and a remarkable sense of initiative…what would it look like for us to follow in his ways? To not only play the host but join people where they are? To pursue those outside the fold? To attend gatherings and events with intentionality and for the sake of others’ (and our) spiritual transformation?

Hope for the Lonely

For the frustrated, disaffected believer on the fringes of the church—feeling disconnected, unwanted, or not at the center of things—there’s good news. True belonging is possible, and true, meaningful community can be cultivated. You can find a place to belong—to be fully known and fully loved by God and your community.

But like most worthwhile things, belonging won’t come easy or without cost. What does it look like to discover (or rediscover) Christian community? I want to suggest three ways you can cultivate authentic community in your church: reset for relationships, take initiative in friendships, and find healing in relationships.

1. Reset for relationships.

Since community doesn’t come naturally, we have to reset many aspects of our lives. We have to slow down and resist the culture of hurry around us. It may mean that we’re not able to work late into evenings or on weekends. Or it may mean we need concrete plans to attend weekly worship gatherings, to participate in a weekly small group or Bible study, or to serve with others in the community. A deep, connected life with others requires a new set of priorities and patterns. But it is worth it.

It’s helpful to think of our daily lives in terms of discipleship patterns, the habits of life we have learned both intentionally and unintentionally. In this broad sense, discipleship is always happening: We become what we consume, as our patterns of life direct and dictate our deepest feelings, thoughts, and motives. We are always being conformed to the heart and personality and lifestyle of another person or system.

In The Spirit of the Disciplines, Dallas Willard wrote that the primary way we are conformed to Jesus (once we are regenerated, and united to him by faith) is by following him in the overall pattern of his earthly life.¹ With the help of the Holy Spirit, by obeying Jesus’s teachings, meditating on his sufferings, death, and resurrection, and practicing his way of life, we become like him. It follows, then, that if the way to become like Christ is to follow his way of life, then Jesus’s own earthly friendships should point us to the ideal pattern of human flourishing in relationships.

To do this, we need to repattern our lives around relationships—our fellowship with God and our fellowships with others. We cannot love others only in theory, saying we love others while hardly knowing them or spending time with them. We must prioritize the long obedience of relationship building, serving and caring for others even when it is most difficult for us.

2. Take the initiative in friendships.

I’ve heard countless people over my years of ministry say that they don’t feel connected or that people haven’t reached out to them. I always begin by lamenting that with them. But I also remind them that those with the deepest connections are typically those who take the initiative. Once again, the earthly life of Jesus provides an important pattern. Jesus frequently took initiative with others.

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