From the many conversations I’ve had with those who are happily married with healthy, God-honoring sex lives, I’ve learned that true sexual compatibility, if we must call it that, happens when two people commit themselves first to God, and then to each other. This covenant commitment affords an opportunity for a husband and wife to unconditionally serve and love the way Jesus loves his bride, the church (Eph. 5:22-33). Marriage is a journey in which two incompatible, selfish sinners learn to become one. There will thus be multiple things—including sex—that both parties will have to figure out together along the way.

Last year, while working as a counselor at a Christian camp for young adults, I had the pleasure of spending a few months with hundreds of young men from around the country. If you have ever spent a large amount of time with a group of young men discussing life issues, you know I received a variety of crazy questions about sex.

For example, one of the campers asked, “If I’m supposed to wait to be married to have sex, how am I supposed to know if my wife and I are sexually compatible? Don’t I need to try out a few other girls first?” I wasn’t taken aback by his question because I knew he was just another teenage boy looking for an excuse to bend God’s guidelines. So I brushed off the question with a shallow answer so I could get back to the topic I was discussing.

Since receiving his question, I hadn’t thought about the idea of sexual compatibility until last month when the Huffington Post published a piece titled “Sex Before Marriage: 5 Reasons Every Couple Should Do It.” As the title suggests, the article discourages young singles from waiting for sex until marriage. The chief reason, according to the author, is that premarital sex affords the opportunity to ensure there is sexual chemistry and compatibility with the other person. In cruder, contemporary parlance this is often called “test driving.” Linked to the topic of sexual chemistry was another article called “My Virginity Mistake,” in which a woman shares her negative experience of waiting for sex until marriage in light of her recent divorce to one with whom she wasn’t “sexually compatible.”

After recent conversations with self-identifying Christians also embracing this idea, I fear this idea has become an issue that needs to be addressed. I’d like to share why our culture’s notion of “sexual compatibility” is anti-Christian and, ultimately, destructive.

Conditional Love

The primary problem with this notion of sexual chemistry is that it focuses sex on pleasure and performance. Contrary to what Hollywood may suggest, great sex (which is a good, God-honoring thing) isn’t the pinnacle of humanity’s existence.

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