I remember being deeply moved when I first read the story of the famous James Boswell (1740-94) who became celebrated as a close friend of Samuel Johnson, the writer, philosopher, and wit. Boswell tells in his autobiography of a day when, as a child, his father took him fishing. He records it as the most wonderful and memorable day of his childhood. Later his father’s journals were found and they recorded the father’s commentary on that day in these terms: “Today went fishing with my son. A day totally wasted.” For the father, a day of totally wasted effort, and for the son the highlight of his childhood.

We parents need to be so very careful:

This piece in good measure consists of three stories – two from my own life, and one from a quite famous person. So it is an autobiographical piece in many respects, but it also serves as a cautionary tale. It is a warning that we parents need great care in what we say and do, because we are leaving a lasting legacy on our children – for good or ill.

And since I discuss my own parents here – they both passed away some years ago – I must say at the outset that they were basically good and caring parents. So I am not in any way dumping on them. The point I will make further below is that most of us learn our own parenting style from our parents.

And a main point I want to stress here is that words have real power. If we get lots of good and positive and loving words from our parents, that can often result in us becoming good people and eventually good parents ourselves. But if we hear only negative, condemning and hurtful words from our parents, that can have a real negative impact on our lives.

And a third option is possible: we might hear very few words at all from our parents – be they good or bad words. That too can have a real impact on us as we grow and develop. My story might best reflect that third camp to some extent.

Let me preface my personal journey here by saying this: for some reason I really have very few memories about when I was a child. I mean, I hardly recall anything about my childhood. Most folks can recall a zillion things about growing up, but I struggle to recall much of anything.

My twin sis, on the other hand, seems to be like most normal folks, and has lots of recollections about her life as a child. But not me. Sure, sometimes bits and pieces just pop into my head from long ago. And for the most part, when I do remember things, they tend to be of negative and rather hurtful things in my life.

As to why I might have so few childhood memories, one fellow who is a counsellor suggested it might be because I am an ‘emotional flatliner’. That is, I have always been mainly cerebral, always thinking about things, but I have tended to be rather emotionally stunted.

So with very few emotional highs or lows in my early years, I do not have all that much that my mind latches onto and recalls. He might be right in this regard. That might explain my low supply of memories. Add to that a long-standing poor self-image, some bullying from others, etc. But most kids have dealt with things like that I suppose.

As I just mentioned, some memories from long ago HAVE stuck in my mind, and they resurface now and then – and they are rather sad memories. Let me mention just two of them, and I will explain anon why all parents must be careful in what they say – or do – to their children.

The first incident just came back to me today as I was walking the dog and noted a tree that was recently cut down. Grass had been planted over it, and I wondered if the stump might start regrowing just below the grass.

That brought back a memory of when I was quite young: I was out in the backyard with my dad. He might have been pruning trees or lopping off branches. I asked in all childhood innocence if the branches would grow back. My dad somewhat snappily – almost angrily – replied, saying something about ‘would your arm grow back if it was chopped off?!’

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