One of David’s greatest strengths is that he was tender-hearted. However, the misuse of a great strength can oftentimes lead to great weakness. He was a man of mercy and kindness, but he let that get the best of him at times. He let his tenderheartedness become weakness. He became permissive and passive when his children needed him most. This highlights a deep spiritual truth for parents: not addressing sin is actually unloving. 

The Dichotomy of David’s Life

In 1 Samuel 13:14, David is described as a “man after God’s own heart.” That’s a stunning description: David’s heart is like God’s heart. David had many wonderful qualities, such as being a wise leader, a true worshipper, and exhibiting deep kindness. Given all of those character qualities, one would assume that David excelled in honoring God in all areas of his life. However, if you look at David’s actions as a father, you see something rather shocking: David’s family was a mess.

David’s failings in two key areas led to disaster for his family. Specifically, his failings in purity and in passivity led to the death of several of his children, personal humiliation, and civil war for the nation of Israel.

In our last article, we looked at David’s significant failings in the area of sexual purity and how that negatively impacted his family. In this article, we’ll explore David’s failings in the area of passivity and see what we can learn from him.

David’s Failings in Passivity

What do we mean by “passivity”? David permitted things that he should have confronted because he was passive in dealing with major issues with his children. We can see this most clearly in how David dealt with (or rather, didn’t deal with) the sin of his sons.

The Rape of Tamar

In 2 Samuel 13, we see a horrific event play out in David’s family. David’s son, Amnon, had developed an intense sexual desire for his half-sister, Tamar:

Now Absalom, David’s son, had a beautiful sister, whose name was Tamar. And after a time Amnon, David’s son, loved her. And Amnon was so tormented that he made himself ill because of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible to Amnon to do anything to her. (2 Sam 13:1-2)

With the help of a friend, Amnon devises a scheme to get Tamar alone in his bedroom and he sexually assaults her:

Then Amnon said to Tamar, “Bring the food into the chamber, that I may eat from your hand.” And Tamar took the cakes she had made and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother. But when she brought them near him to eat, he took hold of her and said to her, “Come, lie with me, my sister.” She answered him, “No, my brother, do not violate[a] me, for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do this outrageous thing. As for me, where could I carry my shame? And as for you, you would be as one of the outrageous fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you.” But he would not listen to her, and being stronger than she, he violated her and lay with her. Then Amnon hated her with very great hatred, so that the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, “Get up! Go!” (2 Sam 13:10-15)

When the news reaches David, he is understandably upset:

When King David heard of all these things, he was very angry. But Absalom spoke to Amnon neither good nor bad, for Absalom hated Amnon, because he had violated his sister Tamar.” (2 Sam 13:121)

And, yet, we’re not told that David did anything to hold Amnon accountable. David is angry, but appears to do nothing to get justice for his daughter. This passivity leads to further tragedy in his family.

The Murder of Amnon

Tamar’s brother, Abasalom, is rightfully furious at the way that Amnon has abused his sister, so he devises a scheme to get revenge on Amnon:

After two full years Absalom had sheepshearers at Baal-hazor, which is near Ephraim, and Absalom invited all the king’s sons…Then Absalom commanded his servants, “Mark when Amnon’s heart is merry with wine, and when I say to you, ‘Strike Amnon,’ then kill him. Do not fear; have I not commanded you? Be courageous and be valiant.” So the servants of Absalom did to Amnon as Absalom had commanded. Then all the king’s sons arose, and each mounted his mule and fled. (2 Sam 13:23, 28-29)

As the news reaches David, we see that he’s again deeply upset:

But Absalom fled…the king’s sons came and lifted up their voice and wept. And the king also and all his servants wept very bitterly. But Absalom fled and went to Talmai the son of Ammihud, king of Geshur. And David mourned for his son day after day.  So Absalom fled and went to Geshur, and was there three years. And the spirit of the king longed to go out  to Absalom, because he was comforted about Amnon, since he was dead.  (2 Sam 13:34, 36-39)

Yet, we see that David again does…nothing. He’s emotionally bereft, but doesn’t require justice for Amnon’s murder. His plan is to shun Absalom. Eventually, however, he allows Absalom to return.

Read More