Do they know that I love them enough to stand up for them? Protect them? Fight off the world for them? Because they are MY children! Not in a manner that is blind to their sin, but in a manner that communicates that if they come to me with a deep pain they know I am on their side, I will love them.

Reading through the suicide note of Bill Zellar this morning was an absolutely grieving process on many, many levels. He expressed fear, loneliness, shame, etc.., stemming from his repeated abuse as a kid. [Editor’s note: the original URL (link) referenced is no longer valid, so the link has been removed.]

While he doesn’t name his abuser, he does express deep hatred and resentment toward his family and his father in particular. This leads me to speculations about what happened. These are only speculations, but please hear me: I am not out to debate the facts of this tragedy, however, as in every world event I have to point the proverbial finger at myself and ask some hard questions as a father/pastor.

This tragedy has caused me to think deeply about my children and how I father/pastor them. Here are just some of the questions that I have to wrestle with as I process the thoughts expressed by Bill Zeller toward his family:

· Have I, or to what degree have I, allowed my children to be messed up?

· How have I created an environment for them to be able to tell us anything, even horrible things that may have happened to them or that they may have done?

I feel like the inherent and sometimes implicit weight of “you’re the pastors kids, you need to behave” causes me to have to work overtime on creating a place (though very imperfectly) for them to confess sin, hurt, pain, guilt, and yet be loved.

The questions I ask often as a dad are how am I correcting, disciplining and guiding my kids. Other events in my life, however, along with this letter in particular have brought up another resounding question, which is “am I defending my kids?”

Do they know that I love them enough to stand up for them? Protect them? Fight off the world for them? Because they are MY children! Not in a manner that is blind to their sin, but in a manner that communicates that if they come to me with a deep pain they know I am on their side, I will love them.

This whole story is deeply grieving but, unfortunately, not completely uncommon. May God give grace to examine my own heart.

Trey Herweck, is pastor of Refuge Church (seekrefuge.net), St. Charles, MO, and father of, soon to be, 4 kids (9, 7, 2, and – little girl due Feb. 10th, name tba).
This article first appeared at The Institute and is used with their permission.