The Tension of This Life

The Gospel of God’s grace to me in Jesus Christ is the very thing that wooed me to the cross, and yet it’s the very thing I’m prone to forget, and the very thing I need to be wooed back to over and again. It’s the kindness of the Lord that leads us to repentance. He loved me while I was still wallowing in my sin and shame, and though I spit in his face as His enemy, He died for me, saved me from myself, and then adopted me as His child. I learned the message of God’s love for me from my childhood, but I never knew it from the inside out until I was about 14. It’s one thing to say, “I know the Grand Canyon” after looking at pictures of it in a magazine; it’s another thing to say those words when you’re standing on the edge of its cliffs. It is the same with God’s grace. It is one thing to sing the words, “Jesus loves me” in Sunday school, but a very different thing when those words penetrate to the core of your being and transform every aspect of who you are. After Jesus radically changed my heart, all I wanted to do was know and experience God to deeper levels of intimacy and share this joy with others; and I do believe this is what we’re made for.

Somewhere along the way, however, I seemed to lose my way. Sin crept back into my life and I give in. It is in those times that I’m reminded of my weakness, my old self, my shame, and remorse. I begin to focus on my helplessness and start to believe that “this is all that I am” and “all I ever will be”. These thoughts of myself make it easier to fall deeper into sin, and I give in again. Remorse and shame cloud the deepest parts of my heart, and when I look in the mirror I can’t bring myself to look into my own eyes because when I see myself, all I see is my ugly sin. In my sorrow, I have begun to allow my sin to define me and I despise myself. I sometimes contemplate on the beauty and goodness of Jesus and fantasize at the thought of him still loving me. Other Christians tell me that this is true, and I believe this in my head, but in the deepest part of my heart, I find it hard to believe.

I’ve heard it said that how you view God and how you believe God views you – deeply affects how you view other people. When I forget the Gospel of God’s grace and begin to look critically at myself, I often perceive God as doing the same thing toward me. Ironically, I also discover that this mindset leads me to look down upon others. Eventually, however, God rescues me from this cycle of despair and I’m reminded of God’s grace once again. I remember that “while I was his enemy, Christ died for me”, justified me, and has completely forgiven me. His grace hits me like a waterfall once again, and I’m overwhelmed with joy, relief, and peace. After being restored, I want to try all the harder to follow after God. My next temptation is to “get back on good terms with God” through spiritual disciplines and living in holiness. At this point, pride so often creeps into my life and I become jaded and hardened to the Gospel of God’s grace. On the days “when I’m doing pretty well”, I don’t feel like I need His grace as much. This pattern continues for a while until I succumb to sin, and I’m humbled all over again. From this point, however, if I’m not careful, it’s easy to fall back into the same cycle of despair all over again. What is needed in this moment is a right knowledge and experience of God’s grace in my life.

It’s easy to see from this how God uses our failures for our good to humble us and reveal our need for him. Nevertheless, I sometimes wish I didn’t have to keep falling into sin in order to be humbled all over again. Why can’t I just stay humble without needing my failures to keep me humble? But then, I think about the fact that Jesus was humble, and yet he never sinned. He didn’t rely on his failures to teach him humility, and yet he demonstrated perfect humility to the Father. Maybe there’s a deeper kind of humility that I’m missing or at least maybe another aspect to it? It seems that Jesus’ humility derives from his love for the Father. He always sought not to do his will, but the Father’s, for Jesus, said doing the Father’s will was his very food. I suppose that ultimately true humility does not derive from despising yourself, but delighting in God. It doesn’t come through gazing inwardly upon yourself but gazing outwardly upon the greatness of God. Once again, it all seems to go back to the love of God.

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