An undisciplined child will grow sullen, angry, depressed, frustrated, and ultimately shameful in behavior. And just because they may not be under roof does not mean they should be overlooked. Young adults need their parents more than they know.

Recently in class, I was reminding pastoral students that they learn to shepherd a congregation, and show they are qualified for it, by caring for their own families (I Tim. 3:4-5; Tit. 1:6). As fathers, one of the Scriptural duties we have toward that end is not to provoke our children to anger. “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart” (Col. 3:21).

What are some of the ways fathers fail in this area? Here are at least six provocations to avoid.

Neglect of time and attention. Babies are born attention-getters, with parents devoting day and night to their care. As they develop into young children, they keep asking for attention. They ask a thousand questions, and want the parent’s approval, confirmation, and affirmation for every little thing they do. By nature, the nurturing mother provides a great deal of this attention primarily (though not exclusively) in the earlier years. Yet as the child ages, there is an increasing need for attention from the father. Without diminishing the mother’s role, teenagers and young adults need the guidance and wisdom their fathers are to bring to them. The Book of Proverbs illustrates this truth for us, as it is written by a father to his maturing son on the edge of adulthood. He is preparing his son for life in the world, and not only reminding him of Biblical wisdom but how vital his own fatherly counsel should be to the son (Prov. 6:20-24). An absentee father, too wrapped up in business pursuits or pleasurable hobbies, will exasperate his children. 

Mothering rather than fathering. In this age of snowflakes and safe spaces, parents can tend to overprotect their children. Every time my wife and I discuss whether to let a child do something or not, often one of us will say “Bud and Me.”  Bud and Me is a book about the Abernathy brothers who were raised by their widowed father, an U.S. Marshall in Oklahoma and friend of Teddy Roosevelt. In 1909 the father sent these boys on horseback from their home in Frederick, Oklahoma, to Santa Fe, New Mexico, when Temple was only age five and Bud was nine years old. Though they encountered harsh conditions, wild animals, and dangerous people along the way, they returned home safely.  A year later, they rode their horses to see Teddy Roosevelt in Washington (some 2200 miles away), bought a car, and then drove it back home. Though we may not recommend a cross country horseback ride or car trip as a suggested child-rearing guideline, dads should work at letting their children experience age-appropriate situations where they will learn about life from the bumps and bruises they receive.

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