Dads do not babysit; they parent. Allowing Mom to rest while dad takes care of the child is a worthy objective, but the primary focus is not giving mom a break. Dads who view baby care as serving their wives may still view the mom as the primary person responsible for parenting. This mind-set runs counter to gospel-centered parenting.

Fathers have a very important role in parenting. The Scripture says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

We know that some commentators believe that the word fathers here refers to parents. The argument is that the word for parents is used earlier in Ephesians 6 and the author chose a different word in verse 4 for stylistic reasons. We are not convinced. We believe that the purpose for the change in terminology was to highlight the particular role that a father is to have in the life of his children.

Our interpretation does not minimize the role of a mother. In fact, the book of Proverbs includes many speeches that begin with the words my son. These “my son speeches” are often started with a call to listen to the instruction of a mother and a father (for example, Proverbs 1:8; 6:20). Thus, the Bible is not calling out fathers in Ephesians 6:4 to the exclusion of the mother. Instead, it is addressing men in particular. It is quite possible that some of the same mindsets one finds in today’s culture are similar to the mind-sets of other cultures; namely, the temptation men face to leave the responsibilities of raising children to their mothers.

Some of this temptation is rooted in culture where men view themselves as providers for the home and women view themselves as caretakers. Admittedly, American culture today differs from what it was in 1950, but in our counseling ministry today, we often find it more difficult to talk to Dad about his parenting than Mom about hers. Why? Dads may believe that their contribution (normally having something to do with provision) has been fulfilled and the behavior issues associated with the children are the mom’s problem. So although many women work outside the home and contribute to the family in various ways, woman are often still expected to carry the load of child-rearing.

We believe the Bible speaks directly to fathers and exhorts them to be actively involved by taking responsibility for their children. It is possible for dad to bond with a baby, to care for a baby, and to be involved in the decision process at each stage.

The Bible describes the role of fathers using a series of commands. The first command in Ephesians 6:4 is “do not provoke your children to anger.” In his book, The Heart of Anger, Lou Priolo lists twenty-five ways that fathers provoke their children to anger. It is one of the most significant chapters on parenting ever written. Priolo contends that most of the twenty-five ways that fathers provoke their children have their roots in poor relationships with Mom or with the children. (These relational problems also have roots in their relationship with Christ.) For example, children are more inclined to anger when Dad does not treat Mom with kindness and love. Without a culture of love and kindness between the parents, a child’s world is insecure and unpredictable.

We believe that many poor relationships between father and child begin with a pattern that starts shortly after birth. Dads convince themselves that their role is not very important in the early days and follow that pattern as the days pass. We believe that fathers who want to take this command seriously will seek to establish a healthy and strong relationship with their children from their birth.

Instead of provoking children, Ephesians 6:4 tells fathers to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. These commands, one given negatively (do not provoke to anger) and the other positively (bring them up) play a significant role in how the father will be engaged in the parenting process. It is important to remember that Ephesians 6:4 still carries the command of Ephesians 4:1 where Paul says to live in a manner worthy of the calling to which believers have been called. In other words, gospel-centered living for fathers involves not provoking and bringing up their children.

How does it look to live out this verse when a child is still a baby?

Celebrations

Dads should be involved in celebrating new things. Babies do new things regularly. They smile; they giggle; they turn over; they somehow manage to move into awkward positions; they show excitement; and they show various other emotions. Sometimes it is easy to ignore these moments or to see these moments as routine or unimportant. But what if dads were able to see those moments as opportunities to praise the Creator who made their children and designed them? What if that smile were seen as the wonderful plan of God in motion?

Rob can remember coming home from work many times and finding out that a child did something new. At times, it was not all that exciting. After all, he had a seminary paper to write; work to do; lawn to cut; and plans to organize. Besides, there were times (like turning over) when Rob would go to the child, encourage him to turn for Daddy just like he did for Mommy, and stand there to see it happen. He would watch and watch and watch. Eventually he would stop watching, lose the moment of celebration, and do something else.

All too often moments like this become the normal pattern for life. The child does something new and Dad does not really care. Much better is celebrating what the child did and rejoicing over God’s blessings.

Household Duties

Dads should be involved in household duties. If you read Tying the Knot, then you know that we encouraged engaged couples to perform their God-given roles. Husbands, for example, are to love, learn, and lead. These are nonnegotiable. However, there is also the way that a couple does life. How they handle the shopping, the cleaning, the laundry, the finances, the cooking, and all the other duties are open for learning and adjusting. The process of learning and adjusting is a journey. Many husbands and wives have found a great balance so that both husband and wife have meaningful and productive responsibilities at home.

However, we use the word journey for a reason. As life circumstances change, these household duties have to be revisited. Fathers should check to be sure that what was sustainable before the baby is sustainable after the baby.

Dad can consider and monitor how the birth of a child changes the responsibility chart. Some women will move from the workforce to being at home. In that case, a wife may actually take more of the household duties. Some will have time off and then return to work. Two different situations might require two different divisions of labor. Wise is the new father who considers what changes should be made in light of new and changing circumstances. Wise is the new father who sees this as part of his involvement in fulfilling his Christ-centered privilege in the home.

Childcare

Dads should also be involved in feeding, changing, and playing. I (Rob) remember when our firstborn came home. In our case, Stephanie was not planning to work outside the home, while I had a job and was going to graduate school.

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