Children will often get angry and respond poorly when they’re corrected. This is to be expected. Yet we need to be willing to acknowledge that sometimes that anger is at least partially our fault. We need to swallow our pride and model for our children what we’ve been teaching them abstractly—that we are all sinners but fortunately we serve a forgiving Savior.

Paul warns parents to not provoke their children to anger. We see this warning in both Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21. Ephesians goes on to give us the positive side of parenting, “bring them up in the nurture and instruction.” But in Colossians, the only parenting advice we get in Colossians is, “Don’t provoke your children to anger!” Apparently if you want to be a good parent, the thing that Paul is most concerned about is that you not provoke your children to anger. The somewhat frustrating part of this, though, is that he doesn’t stop to explain what he means by this phrase or explain how it should be done! So what does it look like to provoke your children to anger?

Now, by not provoking your children, Paul clearly does not mean that your children will never be upset with decisions you make. After all, never displeasing your children will lead to disaster, just ask King David (1 Kings 1:6). As parents, we are called to discipline our children, and at times godly discipline will upset and even anger our children. If you stop disciplining every time your child throws a tantrum, you won’t help them, you’ll be encouraging more tantrums. This philosophy of parenting is sometimes called “gentle parenting,” or, as I like to call it, “not parenting.”

So sometimes our children’s anger is a result of their own sin and is in spite of our godliest efforts at parenting. Sometimes it’s because we’ve sinfully provoked them. We need to know the difference, because the souls of our children are at stake. The Bible nowhere gives a lengthy list of what provoking your children looks like, but I want to share a few things I’ve observed and been taught over the years that I think can help us know the difference between provoking and good, healthy parenting.

Being Angry Provokes Anger

The most obvious way that we sinfully provoke our children to sin is by being angry ourselves. Scripture clearly teaches that anger is contagious. The Bible warns that if we hang out with an angry person, we will become angry (Proverbs 22:24-25). This means that the opposite is true as well—if we are angry then the people around us will become angry, too. If this is true with our friends, how much more will it be true of our children? Discipline must never be carried out in anger. After all, James warns us that man’s anger doesn’t produce God’s righteousness (James 1:20).

When I find that my children are becoming increasingly agitated, when they are getting angry and staying angry, my first impulse has become to check my own anger. If I am short with them when I discipline them or if I find that there is frustration in my voice, then I shouldn’t be surprised if my children are angry, too. Conversely, I have watched how, when I get serious about being firm but loving, unwavering yet patient, it can calm my child down. The constant temptation is for me to try and make my child behave by being angry, but my sinful anger will in the end only produce sinful anger in my child.

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