“Darryl,” a 36-year-old Presbyterian minister who says he’s “progressive-minded,” told interviewers, “I reject the virgin birth. I reject substitutionary atonement. I reject the divinity of Jesus. I reject heaven and hell in the traditional sense, and I am not alone.”

Darryl’s rejection of Christian truth qualifies him to join a growing community of “secret disbelief” that has spread among Presbyterian and other denominational clergy. They rarely celebrate their apostasies corporately, but certain code words suggest an affinity with other closeted nonbelievers.

Darryl says he is a “Jesus follower,” but he’s quick to limit that association: “It is arguable whether I am also a ‘Christian.’”

Darryl’s “god” appears nebulous, so he apparently did not enter a Presbyterian seminary with conviction. Rather, he went there “to explore.” He says that what he learned from the faculty convinced him that Christianity wasn’t “black and white, it was plaid, polka-dot – there was just such a variety of thought that went in every different kind of direction.”

Darryl says that “believing in something” is important to him, although he’s not at all sure what that something is. A clergyman would be “really sad” if he or she went through the motions of the job without believing in anything, he told his interviewer.

He admits to “cognitive dissonance” when he considers how his beliefs deny Scripture and the Reformed faith as expressed in Presbyterian Church (USA) standards. Sometimes he feels he should come out of the closet, but he says the cost would be too great.

“I realize that if I come out a little more, I may be burning bridges in terms of my ability to earn a living in this way … I need to provide for myself and my family …The church has been a positive thing in my life overall. It’s been a place of affirmation … of comfort … of ritual and wonderful mystery.”

By Darryl’s calculus, forfeiting those perks is just too high a price to pay for honesty, so he continues to draw a paycheck from a church whose faith he does not share.

Darryl is one of five ordained ministers from various denominations who confidentially shared their non-belief with Tufts interviewers. One stays in the profession because he likes working with people. Another says his position with a local church offers a springboard for social action and community organizing, which is what he really likes to do. Another says he loves drama, so he acts out various Christian beliefs although he doesn’t personally affirm them, just as he would if he were in a play. One said he could not afford the loss of salary and pension were his non-belief to be revealed, but he would renounce the faith in a heartbeat if someone would pay the $200,000 that it would take to pay off his debts.