Parenting is not just about instilling discipline and self-control in our children; we too must cultivate these attributes. Parenting is hard, and that’s where fathers and mothers need to walk in habitual, proactive self-denial (Titus 2:11–12). Assertive self-sacrifice means you are on the clock all the time. This is the most important job God has given you, more important than the highest moments in your career (cf. 1 Timothy 3:5).

Parenting children, especially as the father who bears the responsibility for leading the home, can seem overwhelmingly complicated. But training^[1] your kids as a father is not rocket science—it’s just very hard. As big sinners training little sinners, we often lose our way. However, most of effective fathering comes down to a few basic principles that provide a simple, clear path toward training your children with the peace and security that flow from God’s calling on your life as a father.

When parenting feels chaotic or overwhelming, ninety-five percent of the time it’s because we’ve lost track of these simple principles rooted in a God-trusting mindset. These principles apply to all ages as the core foundation of fathering. However, the teenage years (especially 14+) require an additional level of nuance that space constraints prevent us from developing here.^[2]

What your preteen son or daughter needs is what every human being needs: security (Deut. 33:27, Ps. 46:1, Prov. 14:26, Eph. 6:4).^[3] This security comes through two essential elements: love and stable structure. When these elements work together, they breed an environment of freedom where children can grow into strong men and women who will one day lead others with confidence and wisdom. Building primarily off Ephesians 6:4, I will offer six principles—on a broad range of issues—that will help fathers to do the hard work of parenting.

1. Tying Heart Strings as a Lifestyle

Ephesians 6:4 positively commands fathers to “nourish” their children (LSB). The Greek word translated as nourish only has one other New Testament use in Ephesians 5:29, where Christ “nourishes and cherishes” the church. In light of this parallel, the first core principle for fathers is this: connect with your children in meaningful ways—that is, ways that are genuinely meaningful from their perspective (Ps 139:1–5).^[4] Picture this as tying strings from your heart to their heart. When you consistently tie many strings between your hearts as a lifestyle, your training will be a world of warmth and security.

This connection must be a lifestyle, not just something you do in moments of discipline (Deut. 6:6–7). Children build security when they know—deeply and consistently—that someone cares about them in a way that means love to them (Ps. 103:13).^[5] This means regularly communicating love through connection that resonates with your specific child’s heart and personality.

Tying these heart strings requires sacrificing parental comfort. After a long day, it’s not comfortable to get up and throw the football, play with legos, or talk about a new card game fad that your kids are engrossed in. But, an important expression of fatherly love is to discover what your children care about and invest time connecting with them there. Sometimes this means learning from your child about what they value; other times it means inviting them into your world to see if they connect from their heart. When my sons got into basketball, I learned how to shoot, play, and even coach. Discover what makes your kids eyes light up and find ways to join them there.

When you combine a few simple boundaries with tying heart strings, you create a warm environment where your child knows that someone cares in a way they can deeply understand—a place where they feel secure and experience tremendous freedom within the defined rules.

2. Simple, Few, and Clear Boundaries that Do Not Move

According to Ephesians 6:4, a father nourishes his children through building them up in “training and instruction.”^[6] The second core principle for giving kids security is establishing boundaries that are simple, few, clear, and do not move.

Some parents set numerous, complicated rules, which create unrealistic expectations that prevent their children from feeling a sense of success in the home. This overwhelms them and undermines their sense of security, making home feel like a minefield rather than their secure castle. But a few and simple rules gives the child clear expectations, which reinforces a sense of security. Boundaries should also be specific and unambiguous. For example, saying “special things are no touch” is subjective and vague—what exactly qualifies as “special” or “no touch”? Instead, be explicit: “Don’t touch Daddy’s tools” or “The china cabinet is off-limits.”

Do Not Move Boundaries

James 5:12 is great parenting advice: “my brothers . . . let your ‘yes’ be yes and your ‘no’ be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation” (cf. 2 Cor 1:17). Many parents regularly add rules on the fly. While it’s true that sometimes you don’t realize a boundary is needed until a child crosses it, this should be rare. Adding or moving haphazard boundaries frequently breeds insecurity in children. From a child’s perspective, constantly shifting boundaries communicate: “Dad and mom are not secure or safe, so I can’t trust their leadership.” Children who don’t know that the rules today will remain the rules tomorrow are tempted either to rebel against all rules as arbitrary, or to live as timid observers—always afraid of breaking a rule they don’t yet know about.

Some parents move boundaries based on their mood or energy level. When the same behavior is wrong on Monday, allowed on Tuesday and Wednesday, then wrong again on Thursday, this inconsistency breeds deep insecurity and distrust in children. This is a key to applying Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21 “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” While moving boundaries certainly isn’t the only way to provoke your child, it is one way to guarantee that they become discouraged. Rules that are consistently enforced are critical in training kids in what’s expected of them, allowing them to grow in confidence.

Within these few clear boundaries, children should experience tremendous freedom. Your children should always know exactly where the boundaries are and understand that beyond those simple rules, everything else represents total freedom—their domain to explore and thrive. Outside those few boundaries lies a huge free space to play, discover, imagine, and create—a place where they can move with confidence, knowing they will never encounter a surprise bombing from Mom or Dad.

3. Consistency: Always Making Disobedience “Not Worth It”

Hebrews 12:6–8 says this,

For the Lord disciplines (read: trains by discipline) the one he loves and chastises every son whom he receives. It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. (ESV)

For fathers, the simple rule for consequences is to make crossing any boundary clearly not worth it. Proverbs teaches us that “Whoever spares the rod hates his child, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him” (Prov. 13:4; cf. Heb. 12:11). Whatever pleasure or satisfaction a child gets from disobedience, the consequence should outweigh it.

Consequences should normally not be exceedingly harsh—training doesn’t try to force change to happen in one session.^[7] But on the other extreme, if the consequence barely outweighs the reward of disobedience—if it’s just slightly not worth it—your children, being as naturally addicted to sin as you are, will still attempt to get away with their transgression. When a child begins testing you by going right to the edge of a boundary, even if they don’t cross, you must consistently make that testing not worth it.^[8] You are training their heart toward righteousness.

Read More