A safe church does not tolerate the abuse of women or anyone else for that matter. A safe church empowers and equips all victims to walk away from those who hurt them. A safe church is where the abused can leave the abuser being assured that is what God wants them to do. It is time for those of us in the Church to turn our attention away from watching the Ray Rice video and to start focusing on how we may be contributing to #WhyIStayed?

Many have been understandably astonished and disturbed this week by the video of NFL player, Ray Rice, punching his fiancé in an elevator. As I was still processing this repulsive offense, I was came across dozens of heartbreaking tweets from abuse victims around the world using the #WhyIStayed, expressing why they had remained with the person who abused them. As I read these tweets, I began to realize how often I have heard abuse victims share that the Church was the reason #WhyIStayed.   I began remembering how often I have heard of women who wearily return to those who hurt them time and time again, because that is what their church told them to do. Here are three common dynamics I have witnessed in churches that contribute to #WhyIStayed:

Instead of helping vulnerable individuals understand the importance of reporting this criminal behavior, too many within churches prefer to push victims back into the arms of abusers as they congratulate themselves and praise God on another successful “reconciliation”.   These victimized spouses stay with those who hurt them, resigned to the hopeless belief that is what God wants them to do.#WhyIStayed.

Abuse is not abuse. Many churches have created a distorted understanding of physical abuse that occurs within homes. It is defined as a “relationship” matter that should be addressed within the “church family”, instead of a criminal matter that should be handled by the authorities.  I recently listened to a well-known pastor answer a question about what to do if a wife is being physically abused by her husband. Not once during the pastor’s lengthy and seemingly empathetic response did he ever direct or even encourage the victim to contact the police. What this pastor probably doesn’t realize is that his silence about reporting this crime communicates that in fact this is not a criminal offense. Victims within these types of environments are often convinced by their abuser, or sometimes even by other church members, that being physically beaten is acceptable and sometimes even deserved. The police are seldom called.

Redefining physical abuse as being nothing more than a “relational issue” ignores the law, puts lives at risk, and tells abusers that their criminal behavior is acceptable as long as it takes place within the home.

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