Similarly, instead of recognizing that there are problems with the popular complementarian model, especially among men, complementarians are buckling down and becoming more demanding on the men that are sticking around. Eventually the men will jettison it altogether (and I can’t imagine women living in this state of bitterness too long before they tire of it as well).

Lately there have been a number of posts around the web about there being no good Christian men, about how lackluster young Christian men are, and about formulating lists that women should use in evaluating men. I don’t think anyone is questioning that there are a large number of single women who wish to be married, but after years of hearing this, I simply cannot place all the fault upon all men. It seems to me the guiltier culprit is the popular complementarian model of dating, marriage, and male-female relations. Because of this, here are three reasons the complaints about Christian men (or the lack thereof) need to end.

It hurts women
The sanctioning and sanctifying of bitter rants against men hurt the women who are doing it. I’m a man of my time and that means that I expect anyone to be able to publish anything on the internet, no matter how silly. But there is something more to this phenomenon. There are hundreds of these blog posts, and they appear in all the major online Christian publications. I think this is because the church, or broader Christian culture, has inculcated an atmosphere in which this behavior is rewarded.

When a bitter and upset woman publicly complains about men, she is affirmed by other women, by the Christian publications, and by her pastor (who often joins the invective). This creates emotional rewards for her behavior and causes her to be more firmly entrenched in that mindset. Instead, we ought to be talking to these women and finding out why they are so bitter and upset. Is it because a great guy spurned them, or is it because they keep rejecting these lesser guys and are upset that nobody worthy of them is sweeping them off their feet into marital bliss?

We have a church and Christian culture that idolizes marriage (to be fair that’s partly in response to the rise of homosexuality in American culture). And we have a model of complementarianism that teaches young women to expect marriage. The model holds it out as the best thing a woman can have, then the model takes steps to lessen her chances of having it (kissing dating goodbye, strict rules on when you can be around men, etc.). Instead of pushing our young women further down the path of entitlement and bitterness by sanctioning the invective against men, we ought to rescue them from it.

It hurts men
The rants against Christian men should stop because they hurt men. There are a number of ways this happens. The most obvious is the man who has asked numerous women on dates, been rejected each time, and then hears those same women complaining about how terrible or non-existent the men are.

We must remember that men are not idiots. They can see when a culture is arrayed against them. Currently, American culture is not fond of men and rejoices in their downfall. Instead of being a haven, where men can be treated with dignity and respect, the church and Christian culture positively love to degrade men via these rants. It amazes me how pastors can preach against men and affirm the bitterness of the women, and then be outraged/puzzled at how many more single women than men they have in their church. It never seems to cross their minds that their actions are actively keeping or even driving the men away.

There is another way it hurts men, one in which I speak from experience. Some men listen to the rants by the women and the pastors and they take them to heart and try to change. But as a man tries to meet the demands, he becomes more and more miserable. The demands never stop, nothing is ever good enough. His job isn’t secure enough, his social skills aren’t suave enough, his faith isn’t strong enough, he doesn’t lead firmly enough, and on and on. This wears on the man and makes him dejected. He is soon unable to find contentment in what God has given him because he is striving to meet the goals of others. The constant mentioning of shortcomings from the church and young women makes it difficult for the man to see the blessings God has given him. The constant screaming of “not good enough!” makes it quite difficult to hear the approval of God.

It will create a strong reaction against complementarianism
This will take some explaining. Complementarianism is at its root a series of affirmations and denials about gender and the Bible. Those affirmations and denials are always worked out practically in models of acceptable thought, conduct, and culture. Thus two complementarians could agree 100% on the affirmations and denials, but differ a great deal in putting those beliefs into practice.

What is problematic right now is not complementarianism as defined in its affirmations and denials, but the specific model we are using to express it and apply it. This model, though taught widely for years, is showing its failures now. After raising a generation on it, we find that they are having significant trouble getting married. Instead of recognizing this, the church is doubling down on the model to force it to work (e.g. the rants against men, blaming them for the problem rather than examining the teaching). This will hold things together for a time, but in the end it will likely cause a violent reaction against complementarianism. The problem with violent reactions is that they are messy and often ignore nuance. When the reaction happens, most people won’t take the time to think about whether there can be multiple expressions of complementarianism, they will just react against complementarianism itself.

There is an interesting comparison in the cable industry. Over the past two years, subscriptions in a number of the large cable providers have been shrinking. Other companies are adopting different models of television and internet service. This, combined with the ubiquitous frustration with cable companies, is slowly causing people to transfer to those other companies. The response of companies like Time Warner has been to increase the fees and rates on the remaining customers to keep revenue up. This is only masking the problem and making existing customers more upset. Eventually there will be an exodus of customers once they can no longer stomach the Time Warner model.¹

Similarly, instead of recognizing that there are problems with the popular complementarian model, especially among men, complementarians are buckling down and becoming more demanding on the men that are sticking around. Eventually the men will jettison it altogether (and I can’t imagine women living in this state of bitterness too long before they tire of it as well).

Ultimately, the complementarian church culture is shooting itself in the foot. By rigidly adhering to a particular model of how to express complementarianism via tirades against young Christian men, it is damaging both the women and the men and is putting itself on a path to rejection.

Daniel Stephens will receive an M.Div from Reformed Theological Seminary in May 2013; He has a B.A. in Philosophy. He is a native of South Carolina and currently resides in Charlotte, NC. Blatantly imitating Calvin, his blogging motto is sagacitas et practicus (insightful and practical). This article appeared on the blog Some Uh, Theologica and is used with permission.