I think some people deconstruct because they built their house on the sand. Their spiritual foundation was their pastor, their community, or their expectations about what Christianity should be like. When scandal, hypocrisy, or hurt happened, their foundation gave way. And now they feel displaced. Dejected… But if your foundation is Christ and his word, you can withstand even the deepest church hurt.

Church hurt is real. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

The broadness of the phrase “church hurt” requires clarity and nuance. I think we can take the variety of experiences captured under that phrase and plot them on a continuum.

On one end, we see hurts like betrayal, lies, gossip, spiritual abuse, and the hypocrisy of a church’s leaders. This kind of hurt bewilders, confuses, and disorients. These hurts tend to fall on the intense and rare level of the spectrum. It’s important to state that church hurt isn’t one-directional. It can happen between members, between leaders, leader to member, and member to leader.

Now, on the other end of the spectrum, there are the more frequent and milder hurts that occur when we live in proximity, honesty, and regularity with fellow sinners who are still being sanctified. Disappointments, misunderstandings, and conflict all happen in this space. These experiences hurt, but they don’t hurt hurt. Stubbing a toe hurts. But breaking a leg is a different kind of hurt. With all hurts, there’s a difference in the severity and in the healing process. Same goes for church hurt.

Church Hurts

As we think about church hurt, wisdom teaches us not to elevate every pain into a five-alarm fire (Proverbs 10:12). Not every disagreement, disappointment, or conflict is spiritual abuse or what’s now commonly called “church hurt.” But sometimes, a leg really is broken. The alarm is warranted. I’ve felt the flames. I’ve got the scars too.

If we take the continuum into account, we’ve all gone through types of hurt. Some of us know the severe and intense hurts dealt by leaders. Betrayal, lies, gossip, slander, division, name-calling, intimidation, manipulation, hypocrisy, financial mishandling, secret meetings, nondisclosure agreements, cover ups, and more. I’ve gone through these kinds of hurt from friends, pastors, and people I deeply trusted. Deep wounds can only happen with deep trust.

Deconstruction or Double Down?

As I’ve shared these stories with friends, writers, publishers, church planters, and pastors, one question keeps surfacing: “Why didn’t you deconstruct?” Or “Why do you keep serving the church? Why do you keep doing ministry?”

It’s a fair question. We’ve all heard how these stories can go. Sadly, it’s not uncommon to hear of a church hurt that spiraled into leaving the Church altogether, turning away from Christ, going headlong into sin, and rejecting anything that has to do with God.

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