3. She believes that submission and the love of a good woman will cure everything – “If I submit more and love my husband more, then he will change.” She is carrying a Pelagian burden that it is her responsibility alone to change her husband’s heart by her behavior.

I’m pleased to have a guest post today written by Persis Lorenti. She has some helpful thoughts from the Mortification of Spin episode of  the ‘not so subtle’ forms of domestic abuse. She also provides some helpful resources. My hope with that episode is to get a helpful conversation going in the church. I am thankful for Persis’s contribution.

On last week’s episode of Mortification of Spin, Carl Trueman, Todd Pruitt, and Aimee Byrd discussed the subtle forms of domestic abuse within the church. During the podcast, Todd Pruitt asked, “What is the dynamic that would prevent her [the wife in an abusive marriage] from going to an elder or going to a pastor and saying, ‘Please, please help’?”

This is a question that needs to be asked. We also need to be willing to hear answers that may make us uncomfortable. I am not a counselor or psychologist, but here is my feeble attempt to answer this question and offer a few ways we can help.

Why doesn’t she ask for help?

1. Fear of retribution – She is scared out of her wits that exposing her husband will cause him to leave or escalate the abuse. She is constantly walking on eggshells to maintain some sort of equilibrium, so she is hesitant to upset the balance. Living in fear has become the norm.

2. Shame – Like Job’s friends, many believe blessing is directly proportional to obedience. Thus, the victim may be hearing, “You must have sinned for your marriage to be in the state it is.“

3. She believes that submission and the love of a good woman will cure everything – “If I submit more and love my husband more, then he will change.” She is carrying a Pelagian burden that it is her responsibility alone to change her husband’s heart by her behavior.

4. Respect means giving cover – Out of fear and perhaps incorrect teaching, respect morphs into blind, unquestioning obedience.

5. She has been manipulated to doubt her own sanity and to think everything is her fault. These are typical abuse tactics known as “gaslighting” or “crazy making.”

6. Denial, for the moment, may be easier than the pain of reality.

7. Despair and resignation – She may feel completely alone. She may believe she has no value before God as an individual.

8. Fear that she won’t be believed—So, the alternative is to suffer in silence.

How can we help?

1. Safety and sanity are the first priority. This may require contacting civil authorities. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline is open 24/7 and has tips for developing a safety plan: 1-800-799-7233 or www.thehotline.org

2. Believe her. Stand with her. Pray for her. Tell her she is loved and valued by God.

3. Learn more about domestic abuse. The better informed we are, the better we can help and not hurt. Here are a few excellent resources:

A Cry for Justice: How the Evil of Domestic Abuse Hides in Your Church, by Jeff Crippen and Anna
Wood (Calvary Press Publications, 2012).

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, by Leslie Vernick (WaterBrook Press, 2013).

And Diane Landburg on the Forum of Christian Leaders, Counseling Victims of Domestic Abuse.

Many thanks to Aimee for posting this. Also thanks to Mortification of Spin for tackling this difficult and often misunderstood topic. God is the father of the fatherless and judge of the widow (Psalm 68:5). May we be His hands and feet as we care for our sisters in Christ.

Persis Lorenti is an ordinary Christian. She serves on her church’s women’s ministry team and is deacon for library/church resources. You can find her at Tried With Fire and Out of the Ordinary. This article appeared at the Housewife Theologian and is used with permission.