Ultimately, if someone is apologizing for something that didn’t really require an apology in the first place, it just makes things awkward for the person receiving it. And if someone’s behavior really does display a problematic pattern, a constant “oh sorry about that!” does not help. Either way, apologies are a gift from God that allows us to take any harm we’ve caused seriously. Using repentant words to keep others off our back is selfish and turns God’s good purpose on its head.

Sometimes “I’m sorry” is a selfish thing to say.

Sounds strange, doesn’t it? After all, repentance is a cornerstone of the Christian walk, right? Sadly, I can assure you that it is indeed quite possible to spout humble-sounding words of apology more in self-protection than in real repentance aimed at real reconciliation.

The basic dynamic of phony repentance works like this: I say I’m sorry in an effort to make the “offended” person feel better about me or to make me feel better about me. Whereas Scripture calls us to seek forgiveness for sins that have harmed others, self-serving apologies aim to deflect someone’s possible disappointment in us or to soothe our own inner discomfort.

Of course, I am not intending any of this when I say “I’m sorry!” When I call these apologies “phony,” I do not mean that I realized they are phony or had any idea that I was being self-serving. But so much of our sin is that way—we don’t even know we’re doing it. Just because we don’t know we’re doing it, however, doesn’t mean it isn’t causing harm.

Self-serving apologies do their damage by functioning as relational pre-emptive strikes. A friend apologizes all the time for things that don’t need an apology; she’s trying to defuse possible critiques before they can get to her. After going long again on a sermon, a pastor says “I’m sorry about the time”; he is trying to ward off his fear that his congregants are annoyed or might even mention the length of his message. A husband says “sorry I’m running slow”; he is trying to keep his wife from raising his pattern of making the family late getting out the door in the morning.

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