Here’s what our children don’t need: to be worshiped. Some parents tend to control and manipulate their children, trying to micro-manage them (guilty!), while others think they do no wrong and spoil and over-indulge them. These can both be symptoms of over-valuing our children to the point of worshiping them or finding our worth and security in them and their well-being. Our children need us to worship God, not them or ourselves. They need us to be in prayer and praise, in worship both privately and publicly.
[Disclaimer: These observations are based on 20 years of working with children and teens as a teacher and administrator. I don’t feel like I do these things particularly well as a parent to my own children, ages 11, 8 & 5. It’s not easy. I know that well. We need to be praying for each other and encouraging each other to keep looking to the Lord for the grace to equip us to be better parents.]
What do our children really need from us as their parents? Some of the needs of our children change as they grow and some remain the same. Knowing these needs – both the ones that change and the ones that remain the same – can help focus our priorities and our prayers for our children as they grow.
As our children grow, some needs change . . .
Infancy: Security and predictability. In their youngest years, our children need to know that they can depend on us to meet their needs. They need to know that we will feed them when they’re hungry, change them when they’re dirty, hold their hands when they’re learning to walk, comfort them when they’re crying. They need to feel safe with is and to know they can depend on us. High levels of unpredictability can make very young children insecure and fearful.
Toddler/Preschool: Consistent instruction, correction and discipline. Consistency is so hard, but toddlers and preschoolers are learning what is right and wrong, what is acceptable and not acceptable, and we must teach them, correct them and discipline them with consistency and love. If something is acceptable on Monday (because we’re too tired to deal with it) and then not acceptable on Tuesday (because we’ve had enough of it and can’t stand it anymore), our children will be confused and will not know what to expect on Wednesday.
Early elementary: Training and knowledge. As children learn to behave and obey, now they need to learn more “academic” things. Of course, we need to begin with the basics, learning to read and basic math. You might think that is your children go to school, the academics are covered by the professionals, but this is not true. The home is far more influential than any outside school in a child’s academic life. Our kids need us to support them, work with them, help them, show them what to do, etc. Of course, this really begins in infancy as we read to our babies and in the toddler years as we help them count and learn their colors, etc.
In these early elementary years, it’s essential that we read good books to our children and that we listen to them read good books to us. Reading is the key to lifelong learning and saturation in good books is key. Giving a reluctant reader some trash to read because it will “hold their interest” is not long-term helpful or wise. Train their tastes to like what is excellent.
Later elementary: Beginning to shape discernment intentionally. So, what makes one book good and another not as good? What makes some things worth our time and attention while other things are not worth our time and attention? Now is a good age to help our children reason through these things for themselves. Help your children be discerning in what they, who they befriend, how they spend their time. It’s not enough to just have rules and guidelines anymore. Help them see why you have the rules and guidelines you do.
Middle years: Why? Why? Why? At some point, all kids will begin to challenge authority and question assumptions in some way. Some will be very outward and open about it, while others will be quieter and more internal. We need to be proactive and help our children think through the internal questioning of “why?” “Does it really matter if . . .?” “How come . . . ?” Here we need to be careful not to lecture, scold or shame at natural questions and doubts. (I’m really not very good at this!) We need to be patient, encouraging and dialogue-oriented. This can be really hard with our own kids because of our fear that they are going to go off the rails and be lost. It may be wise to enlist the help of a mentor, teacher, pastor, elder, etc. to come alongside and help, but don’t delegate these conversations to someone else. You need to be engaged in a positive way throughout.
Older youth: Respect and a listening ear. Here’s where I see parents understandably make big mistakes – they treat their 15 or 16 year-old like a toddler or an elementary school child. How? The parent tries to lecture, correct, chide and guide with a heavy hand. This simply doesn’t work. I’ve seen some parents wake up and realize they’ve neglected the moral and spiritual training of their children for 15 years and try to make up for it in the last three years before the young adult goes off to college. It’s almost always a disaster, leading to deep conflict and resentment.
Once a youth is 15 years old or so, we need to treat them like young adults. They desperately want to be taken seriously and to be heard. You need to be listening respectfully, even if you’re laughing inside at their naivety. If you laugh outwardly, they’ll shut you out and go to those who will listen.
At all ages, our children need . . .
Love. This should go without saying, but our children are not projects to be built; they are people to be loved. Raising them is not some experiment or an ongoing test of our quality as Christian people. Our children need us to love them for who they are, as they are. They need to be hugged and kissed and told how much we love them. They need to be cared for, protected, provided for, valued, etc.
To see us worshiping God. Here’s what our children don’t need: to be worshiped. Some parents tend to control and manipulate their children, trying to micro-manage them (guilty!), while others think they do no wrong and spoil and over-indulge them. These can both be symptoms of over-valuing our children to the point of worshiping them or finding our worth and security in them and their well-being. Our children need us to worship God, not them or ourselves. They need us to be in prayer and praise, in worship both privately and publicly.
Prayer. Our children need us to pray for them and with them. They need us to model prayer in front of them and to teach them how to pray. If you don’t feel comfortable doing this, you need to work at it until you do.
Time. We can’t schedule parenting in an hour a week or ten minutes a day. Our kids need our time. Quality time is no substitute for quantity of time. If our jobs are too demanding, we need to consider that our children need time with us more than they need a new bike or new clothes or to participate in a hundred different activities.
Parents who love each other. Our marriage is one of the most powerful influences on our children. Our children learn to be men and women, husbands and wives, by watching us. Biting sarcasm, disrespect, lack of loving communication and affection, etc. all teach our children bad patterns of normalcy for marriage. Kind words, time spent together, loving affection, respectful dialogue and decision-making all build our children up in wonderful ways.
Parenting is not easy. It’s impossible for us to do in our own strength and guided by our own wisdom. Let’s pray that God will equip us day-by-day to give our kids what they need from us. May He strengthen us that He may be glorified in our families!
Jason A. Van Bemmel is a Teaching Elder in the Presbyterian Church in America. This article appeared on his blog Ponderings of a Pilgrim Pastor and is used with permission.