As I’ve suggested, when “unequally yoked” people marry, the problem isn’t intellectual or philosophical, it’s ontological. The couple’s ensuing battles (particularly over matters of faith) will stem from conflicting natures. And sadly, counseling can’t change someone’s nature. All of the counseling in the world cannot make an apple an orange, or an unbeliever a believer. However, that doesn’t mean things are hopeless. For the Gospel can accomplish what counseling cannot.
The man sat, his eyes closed. We’d been talking for hours. He rested his head in his hands, elbows on the table.

He knew it. I knew it. But he didn’t want to say it aloud.

Then, finally, the question: “Pastor, do you think my wife and I are unequally yoked?”

In a moment, the path for counseling this couple had changed– we were no longer talking about a philosophical chasm between two spouses, but an ontological one. We were talking about two people with contrasting natures. And this man, theologically sound, knew what that implied.

He knew it, and began to weep.

Several years have passed since this conversation took place. I wish it had been the last time I’d encounter an “unequally yoked” couple. It hasn’t. Sometimes the concern is for the husband, sometimes for the wife.

In those occasions, how have I learned to proceed?

Well, before continuing, let’s define our terms. What does it mean to be “unequally yoked”? And how can one diagnose (or suspect) it in the course of counseling?

Well, the phrase itself comes from 2 Corinthians 6. In this chapter, Paul instructs his readers about the need to be holy. Specifically, he says, “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?”

Striking imagery. But where does the idea of being “unequally yoked” originate?

Well, the term refers back to Deuteronomy 22:10, which says that one should not yoke an ox and a donkey together in the course of their labors.

The reason you don’t yoke oxen and donkeys together is because they are different creatures. While both have four legs and are capable of performing similar tasks, they vary wildly in temperament and nature. Further, these animals respond differently to the leading of their master, and will never be a “cohesive unit” when fulfilling their master’s desire for them.

In other words, the incompatible natures of these animals yield undesirable results.

Now, how does this concept of “unequal yoking” apply in the context of marriage?

Well, let’s return to the ontological issue, and ask this: are believers and unbelievers of a different nature?

I should hope you believe this; Scripture is not shy on the matter. The Bible says that believers have been “born again,” that we’ve been “made alive in Christ,” that we are “new creations,” that the old has died, and behold, the new has come.

At the same time, Scripture likens the unbeliever’s nature to a spiritual corpse. The Bible says that the unbeliever is “dead in their sins and trespasses,” is “at enmity with God,” and their spiritual father is not God, but Satan.

Now, if all of that is true, if the believer and the unbeliever are not separated simply by “ideology,” but by completely different natures (and spiritual fathers), then what will happen if such a pair gets married?

In my ministerial experience, DISASTER.

As I’ve suggested, when “unequally yoked” people marry, the problem isn’t intellectual or philosophical, it’s ontological. The couple’s ensuing battles (particularly over matters of faith) will stem from conflicting natures. And sadly, counseling can’t change someone’s nature. All of the counseling in the world cannot make an apple an orange, or an unbeliever a believer.

However, that doesn’t mean things are hopeless. For the Gospel can accomplish what counseling cannot.

When encountering an “unequally yoked” couple, I’ve learned to be part counselor, and part evangelist. There’s no other option. Only the changed heart of the unbelieving spouse will bring unity to such a relationship. And so I subtly (and not so subtly) introduce the Gospel to the unbeliever in these instances, rinse and repeat.

As for the believing spouse, I point them to 1 Corinthians 7 and 1 Peter 3, for encouragement on being salt and light in the context of one’s marriage (with the hope that God might use the believing spouse’s faithfulness as a means for converting / sanctifying the lost).

So how can one detect if a couple is unequally yoked in the first place? Is it obvious?

Well, sometimes “unequally yoked” marriages are indeed obvious, acknowledged by all parties. But not always. Not all who say “Lord, Lord” are actually regenerate. And so pastors and counselors must be careful. We must ask questions that establish the presence of spiritual fruit and maturity, in order to know what we’re dealing with.

And if, after prayer and diligence, the possibility of unequal yoking exists, we need to adapt our input accordingly.

No conversation about love languages or conflict resolution (as helpful as things things may be) can heal a relationship that is ontologically fractured. In such a relationship, there is no three-fold cord, there is no spiritual unity, there is no shared faith to undergird and enfold the couple when in crisis. Such a couple may be able to remain married, even happy on a number of fronts, but ultimately unfulfilled.

In those cases, counseling can still be helpful on peripheral issues. But you cannot counsel death into life.

And so, pastors or counselors must rely on the Gospel when dealing with the “unequally yoked.” We must pray that God would save the lost as a precursor of saving the marriage.

Toby B. Holt is a Teaching Elder in the Presbyterian Church in America.