In reality, it’s not the lack of competency or skill that creates a feeling of “anticipatory doom.” The dread and anxiety circle the belief that our hearts cannot handle the pain. Before my son died, I believed that tragedy would wreck my heart, torpedo my faith, and ruin my life. Surely I would be sentenced to a lifetime of misery.

I remember the morning that my three-year-old son unexpectedly died. I recall words and phrases coming out of my mouth that I never thought would apply to me. I recall making a series of decisions for which I never could have been prepared.

When will his funeral be?
What funeral home will we use?
Where will he be buried?

What? Are we really talking about my child? My life? Are these words really coming out of my mouth?

Nothing in the World Prepares You

We live in a culture of competence. We take classes, get degrees, do training, and earn certificates. We make wills and buy insurance. We pride ourselves in our preparation. We pay heed to the mantra, “If you fail to prepare, then prepare to fail.”

However, anyone who has experienced unexpected death or tragedy will tell you that nothing in the world can prepare you for the moments (or seasons) that follow. As a result, helplessness and disorientation fill your consciousness.

For this reason, most of us live in dread of our worst nightmare blindsiding us. What if my child [fill in the blank]? What about my husband? Or my mom? What if my job vanishes? Or what if our government collapses?

In reality, it’s not the lack of competency or skill that creates a feeling of “anticipatory doom.” The dread and anxiety circle the belief that our hearts cannot handle the pain. Before my son died, I believed that tragedy would wreck my heart, torpedo my faith, and ruin my life. Surely I would be sentenced to a lifetime of misery.

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