I know we are supposed to be humble in this whole Christian writer world, but I’ll be honest and lay my cards on the table here—before last year, I secretly obsessed over platform. My second book came out three weeks before I was admitted to the hospital and I spent nearly every day of those three weeks checking Amazon reviews, following up on sales numbers, and driving myself crazy about how the book was doing. 

The further removed I am from the events of last year, the more I see what happened as a gift. I wouldn’t call nearly dying, or nearly losing my infant, a gift. But the fruit that came from it is one. Like Joseph in Genesis, life in a broken world meant our suffering for evil, but God meant it for good (Gen. 50:20). He wastes nothing. It always serves his purposes—even in the darkness.

One of those gifts is seeing the world through new eyes, particularly regarding platform building and the world of self-promotion (especially in Christian publishing).

I know we are supposed to be humble in this whole Christian writer world, but I’ll be honest and lay my cards on the table here—before last year, I secretly obsessed over platform. My second book came out three weeks before I was admitted to the hospital and I spent nearly every day of those three weeks checking Amazon reviews, following up on sales numbers, and driving myself crazy about how the book was doing.

It would have killed me.

Instead God nearly did and saved me from myself

I know it’s murky water to talk about God’s sovereignty in such ways, and I don’t think we can ever make a direct correlation between suffering and sin (unless it’s blatant). And I would never presume to tell someone else the spiritual lessons meant to be learned in his or her suffering. But I do think that the further we are removed from certain seasons of suffering, the more we are given clarity into our own heart. Suffering is a furnace that exposes our hearts and melts away what keeps us from shining brightly for the Lord. But the moment of suffering is never the time to figure out what God is up to in our own hearts (which is why I’m writing about this over a year later, and not in the moment).

In her book, Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott talks about this struggle that writers face—this struggle to want to succeed and as a result obsess over our own successes and failures. She writes about the jealousy that arises when other writers do better, or the despair that comes when you don’t get the review you are hoping for. I find encouragement in her words because I at least know I am not alone. But the quote that strikes me most from that book is on what frees us from jealousy:

My deepest belief is that to live as if we’re dying can set us free. Dying people teach you to pay attention and forgive and not to sweat the small things.

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