Be warned.  The apostle Paul says, “by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.”  Expert manipulators will beguile those who are not wise to such things.  Christian leaders are not immune.  Headline cases of spiritual abuse in the church often involve the deception of numerous elders and pastors, deceived and ultimately complicit with the dysfunctional and divisive ways of such a leader. 

Church splits.  Ruptures in denominational ties.  Rendings of Christian schools and church plants connected to the church.  More intimate still: lifelong friendships brought to an end.  Relationships between children and parents strained.  Marriages even failing.

Michael Kruger has written about the long track record of broken relationships that will often mark an abusive pastor.  This track record is a crucial indicator that ought to raise the alarm for discerning Christians.  But in the wake of spiritually abusive leadership there will not only be terrible conflict with him but also all sorts of divisions between others.

I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them.  For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive (Romans 16:17-18).

From this text, we see there is a reason for all of this division in the path of the spiritually abusive pastor and there is a tactic for maintaining allies and control in the midst of it all.

Their Own Appetites

Scripture identifies the root cause of abusive leadership.  “For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites.”  An appetite is a driving desire, what gets someone out of bed in the morning.  For spiritually abusive leaders, the division they cause is because rather than serving that desire which ought to drive all Christian service, namely, “Thy Kingdom Come,” they are serving “their own appetites.”

Is there a common appetite among spiritually abusive leaders?  It is a given that such leaders have an appetite for power and control and will pursue these objectives at all costs.  But beneath that appetite is a deeper one still: spiritual pride.  Abusive leaders are like that scriptural pattern of such leadership, “Diotrephes, who likes to put himself first…” (3 John 9).  And yet, in an act of self-deception they work very hard to suppress this fact about themselves.  The patterns of domineering, harshness, manipulation and control must be constantly justified, and the abuser’s “virtues” must be exalted to maintain the self-perception.  With such spiritual pride, there can be no place for serious self-examination or constructive criticism.  Rather than serving Christ, such people serve this craving to create and maintain an exalted self-perception.

Cause Divisions

What must necessarily follow is division after division.  The leader brings his appetite into counseling, preaching, committees, denominational work, and every relational matter.  Much of the time, his driving appetite will not only go undetected, but his desire to excel (he thinks of himself as superior) will result in him being an expert in many ways, greatly accomplished, and a charismatic figure.  He may be an expert in theology, leadership, church-planting, preaching, counseling or many other areas.  He may come across as highly pious, zealous, and devoted.  But at times he will err and face critique or simply have his judgment on significant matters be questioned.  He may be challenged on leadership changes he is implementing or counseling cases.  He may be questioned about his exercise of discipline.  Concerns may be raised about his personal conduct.  At times there will be conflict, as there always is in the church.  And if that conflict centers on him, this is when terrible things may happen.

Since the abusive pastor lives in a world where he cannot have serious deficiencies, the suggestion of it threatens him at the deepest level.  How a leader responds to substantive disagreements on his own judgments is very revealing.  While no one enjoys criticism and such occasions are temptations for all, the abusive pastor truly cannot abide such disagreement.  It will provoke great anger because the nerve center has been touched.

In such situations when his “appetite” is threatened, he must neutralize the threat.  Those who critique him or disagree with him in substantive ways or are simply perceived as threatening him will swiftly be placed in the category of adversaries.  From then on, they must be discredited, demonized, or destroyed.  A multitude of tactics may be employed upon them, from undermining them and slandering them to intimidating them with accusations, silent rage, or outright berating.  It may be that if they sufficiently “repent,” they can get back into his good graces if he judges them useful to serving his appetite.  But often they are discarded.

This is where the division comes in, because once that person is judged a threat, the abusive leader goes to work setting others against him or her.  Spouse is set against spouse.  Children are set against parents.  One portion of a congregation is set against another.  Ministry leaders are set against other ministry leaders.  He will stop at no end to accomplish this.  If a person or group sides with the abusive leader in the dispute, he will not be content with them merely being on his side. They must strenuously stand against the other side, just as he does.  Nothing short of this will be deemed sufficient.  The leader will work overtime with insinuations and accusations to accomplish this end.  Take note that if you are in a situation of division, assess whether Christian charity is being extended or if such demonization is taking place.

The division of a home is one of the most grievous temporal outcomes of such abuse.  Every marriage has difficulties and every self-aware Christian knows they and their spouse have failings.  The abusive leader, armed with privileged pastoral knowledge, may at times exploit weak places in marriages for maintaining control.  He may even probe for this knowledge under the pretense of pastoral care, when he is actually seeking ammunition.  Perhaps the husband is perceived as an enemy, therefore the leader attempts to turn the wife against him.  Marriages are one of the most vulnerable places for spiritual attack due to the tender nature of two sinners bound together in covenant bonds.

All of this division is profoundly confusing to people in the pews as it comes from a spiritual authority and comes under the guise of Matthew 10:34, “I have not come to bring peace, but a sword.” But it is actually Romans 16:17, “watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught.”  Marriages are torn apart.  Families are torn apart.  Friendships are swiftly ended.  Churches are divided.  Obstacles of all sorts arise on account of this evil.

Smooth Talk and Flattery

In the midst of such destructive dynamics, one still wonders how anyone could be fooled?  Paul warns us of part of the answer: “By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive” (Romans 16:18).

He is good with words.  He is charismatic.  When he speaks, people listen.  His oratory skills are strong.  He can speak profoundly and leave people marveling at the insights.  He has benefited many people with his expertise.  “How could criticisms of this man be true?  Look how powerfully he speaks about Jesus.  Look how profoundly he understands the heart.”  Most people in a congregation have not witnessed the bullying and abuse, though they have heard rumors of it and are aware of past divisions.  What they see with their own eyes, however, is generally attractive.

Along with the smooth words comes flattery.  Not only is he eloquent in the pulpit and meetings, he brings his smooth words to bear directly upon those he wants to use to prop him up and maintain his delusion.  A manipulator understands the power of words.  Secular and Christian literature has thoroughly explored case studies of narcissism and observed this always-present feature under the label of “love-bombing.”  The experience of many people with a narcissistic abusive leader will be the opposite of criticism and demonization: they are told how great they are.  The abusive leader will hone in on their insecurities, their deepest desires, their hopes for what they will be and will accomplish, and will lavish them with praise and encouragement.  They may in fact perceive the leader as the most encouraging voice in their lives.  So he consolidates power and influence, and gathers around him people who will feed his appetite.

For drawing in allies in leadership, he may use the draw of the “Inner Ring” that C.S. Lewis describes.  The pull of being one of those “on the inside” is powerful; to be among the discerning, those who really get it, and are included in this elite group.  The manipulative leader plays on this desire as he complements the discernment and discretion of other leaders.  Simultaneously he may be discrediting them to others secretly in order to protect himself with ready made ammunition if the other leader ever becomes a threat.

Watch Out

Paul, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, calls us to “watch out.”  Pastors and elders especially must not be naive but rather be wise and alert to these subtle dynamics.  We as Christians are commanded to encourage one another, so flattery may be hard to recognize.  But if any time is spent around this leader, one should recognize that the flattery will stand in sharp contrast to their hyper-criticism and harshness toward others.  Ask yourself: do you think you are better than those many people he has denounced?  The spiritually abusive leader will struggle with the fact that there are leaders in the broader church who may be powerfully used by God, and will tend to discredit any such persons.  Can you name five leading figures in the church today he respects?  All of this should raise an alarm.

Furthermore, this is where the Christian must learn to apply sound judgment and discernment, even toward people who compliment them.  The track record of divisions, defensiveness, harshness, shunning and other signs of an abusive ministry must not be ignored because of rose-colored glasses gained through flattery.

Be warned.  The apostle Paul says, “by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.”  Expert manipulators will beguile those who are not wise to such things.  Christian leaders are not immune.  Headline cases of spiritual abuse in the church often involve the deception of numerous elders and pastors, deceived and ultimately complicit with the dysfunctional and divisive ways of such a leader.  Christian, have no part in this.  The division wrought by such a person is destructive beyond words.  It is an evil with devilish qualities.  Do not be naive but instead heed the Apostle Paul’s plea, “I want you to be wise as to what is good and innocent as to what is evil.”  (Romans 16:19)

Steve Light is a Minister in the Presbyterian Church in America and is the Associate Pastor of Congregational Care at Westminster PCA in Lancaster, PA.