It’s near impossible to maintain a relationship when affections for each other are cold. Not impossible, mind you, but near impossible. There remains one nail left to hammer on the coffin of what was once a lively friendship. But the coffin’s not closed.

We’ve just begun a mini-series on toxicity: what it looks like, and how it can be treated. Last time, we summarized it as a pattern of behaviors that consistently cause emotional, psychological, or even physical harm to one or both individuals involved. These behaviors leave the person feeling drained, unhappy, and they often undermine his/her sense of self-worth. We will challenge some of the thinking behind this definition in future posts: notably, the emphasis on self-worth. But for now, I want us to see toxicity enfleshed. Some of the fruits of toxic relationships are lack of support, constant criticism and belittling, suspicion or lack of trust, gaslighting, blame-shifting, constant chaos, poor communication, and disrespect. In response to such conduct, we Christians cannot fall to the extreme that sees any of these and immediately pronounces, “There’s a pox upon that house: toxic, I tell you!” We resist the urge to call people toxic, especially if they call themselves brothers and sisters in Christ. Instead, we must remain open to what God can do through the power of the gospel.

Now, let’s consider some of the harmful actions and attitudes of the Corinthians that threaten their relationship with Paul. We can summarize their convictions and conduct through simple statements (italicized section titles below). As we assess Corinthian toxicity, our minds will likely turn to the behaviors of some of the people we know: civil leader, church leader, boss, friend, boyfriend or girlfriend, parent, child, or spouse. Disclaimer: the goal is not to see these patterns to then justify throwing away the relationship, but to be all the more understanding and diligent to remedy the harm, as far as it depends upon you.

You are Wrong

The Corinthians deny Paul’s commitment to the truth, his knowledge of the truth. This mindset is extracted from a few texts. In essence, they say to him, “You didn’t tell us the truth about your real intentions, about your ‘plans’ to visit” (1:17-18). In chapter 7, you can hear their accusation from Paul’s defense, “We have wronged no one, we have corrupted no one, we have taken advantage of no one” (7:2). When you read chapters 10-12, they’re essentially saying, “You are not a true apostle, Paul; but these other men are.” These other men Paul would go on to sarcastically name “super-apostles.” As far as some of the Corinthians are concerned, they don’t believe Paul. They don’t think he means well. They are suspicious of the accuracy of his teaching. For them, Paul has it (mostly) wrong, but there are other people who have the truth. From these excerpts we witness the Corinthians’ lack of support, their constant criticism, and even attempts at gaslighting the Apostle.

We don’t Trust You

The first statement leads to the next. They don’t trust Paul any longer. Again, certain texts draw out their distrust of the man that God appointed to lead them into the truth. They challenged Paul’s commitment to come, not taking him at his word when he said that he’d visit them (1:12-19). They were clearly reluctant to accept his God-given authority (3; 10-12). This rejection of the Apostle led to seeking other, apparently superior instructors (11). The Corinthians are suspicious and untrusting of Paul’s words. Their attitude featured an accusation of dishonesty on Paul’s part and a severe lack of trust in Paul. It’s hard to maintain, much less have, a relationship with someone you don’t believe or trust.

We don’t Like You Anymore

The relationship weakened as Corinthian affection faded and thinned out. Paul sensed that the doors of their hearts had been slowly closing. He knew that they began to care less and less for him. And if you follow their thinking, why would they give him a second thought? Why would their hearts burn with affection for him? If they’ve turned to other leaders, they can pass on this once-useful Paul. Paul knew the relationship was borderline dissolved, which is why he told them of his open heart to them. He writes, “We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians; our heart is wide open. You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted in your own affections” (6:11-12). His heart remains open, even if it’s closing time for theirs. He, however, urges them to stop closing up shop, “Make room in your hearts for us” (7:2). Their disrespect for Paul is shocking. Their mood swings take the Apostle on a roller-coast of a relationship:

We love you, Paul!

We don’t like you anymore, Paul.

Our heart is open to you, Paul!

Our heart is closed to you, Paul.

It’s near impossible to maintain a relationship when affections for each other are cold. Not impossible, mind you, but near impossible. There remains one nail left to hammer on the coffin of what was once a lively friendship. But the coffin’s not closed.

We Refuse to Forgive

As their affections for him enter the winter of their life, their hearts harden. From icy hearts, their necks stiffen as they refuse to forgive. They’re not refusing to forgive Paul. He didn’t sin against them, and he wasn’t asking for their forgiveness. The Corinthians refuse to forgive a man who’s repented (2:5-11). This was the man who had sinned grievously by sleeping with his father’s wife, not his own biological mother (1 Corinthians 5). But the man, who was kicked out of the church (“delivered over to Satan”), saw his sin, truly repented, asked for forgiveness, and urged to be welcome back into the church. His public sin was a scandal and a public offense against his brothers and sisters in Corinth. Now he awaits restoration. But they’ve closed off their hearts to Paul, so it’s not a surprise that they’ve closed off their hearts from this man. They chose not to “forgive from the heart” (Matthew 18: 35). By refusing, they remain hard-hearted and not loving. To refuse to forgive is to perpetuate the harm, and not to handle the harm biblically. Depending on the offense, a refusal to forgive may sound the death knell to the relationship.

We Refuse to Put away Evil

Finally, with the growing hard-heartedness and calcification of the relationship, it’s not a surprise to see some of these Corinthians refusing to put away evil. They carry on in their evil conduct. They have joined themselves unequally, that is, to lawlessness (2 Corinthians 6:14-7:1). Ironically, they are unlike the repentant man who needs their love and forgiveness. They are not willing to do to this man what Paul has been willing to do for them! They’ve decidedly turned to sin, and they are set in their ways. When someone in a relationship refuses to confess, own up to their sin, and change their harmful ways, the waves of that sin crash the relationship against the rocks.

From this brief assessment of the actions and attitudes of some of the Corinthians (by no means all of these saints), we can see that Paul has his work cut out for him. They’ve stopped believing him, and they’ve stopped trusting his word. They’ve grown cold in their affections for him. They’ve refused to forgive their fellow sinners. They’ve refused to confess their own sins. They’ve refused to put off the evil in their hearts. That’s a tall order! What is to be done? Can anything be done? Should Paul pursue reconciliation?

Consider the hard relationships in your life, and ask yourself what can be done. We will look at Paul’s exemplary attitude and actions in the rest of this series. But take a moment or more to think about the names and faces in that “toxic” relationship, and pray for them. Pray for yourself to carry on wisely, truthfully, and compassionately. Pray for them. Toxicity can be treated. But the treatment required is heavy doses of truth in love, grace upon grace, and a persevering, open heart that aims to please God in all things.

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