This is because the one word that can make a difference to your relationship is not ‘sorry’ (although this is important too) nor, oddly, ‘ouch’ or ‘oops’. Instead the word is ‘but’. And the ‘but’ is what separates, and simultaneously holds together in one thought two opposing things, our lover’s faults from their brilliance.

Recognising and basking in the brilliance of our beloved is a beautiful thing.

But.

They say (well, F. Scott Fitzgerald said) that the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function is the sign of first-rate intelligence.

It may also be the sign of first-rate love.

This is because the one word that can make a difference to your relationship is not ‘sorry’ (although this is important too) nor, oddly, ‘ouch’ or ‘oops’.

Instead the word is ‘but’.

And the ‘but’ is what separates, and simultaneously holds together in one thought two opposing things, our lover’s faults from their brilliance.

In a series of experiments in the 90s, psychologists Sandra Murray and John Holmes explored what separated happy ‘successful’ couples from unhappy ‘unsuccessful’ couples (and those who separated completely). In one of their studies, they interviewed the couples on their partner’s positive and negative qualities and noted the language used by the couples during the interview.

“Perhaps the most important difference came down to just one word – ‘but’,” explained psychologist Richard Wiseman of the experiment in his book, 59 Seconds.

“When talking about their partner’s greatest faults, those in successful relationships tended to qualify any criticism.

“Her husband was lazy, but that gave the two of them reason to laugh. His wife was a terrible cook, but as a result they ate out a lot. He was introverted, but he expressed his love in other ways. She was sometimes thoughtless, but that was due to a rather difficult childhood.

“That one simple word was able to help reduce the negative effect of their partner’s alleged faults and keep the relationship on an even keel.”

Read More