Self-righteousness is insidious and pervasive, extending its tentacles, trapping and blinding us. Often, our motivations remain hidden even from ourselves. In Confessions, Augustine observes how God upends human assessments of behavior: “Your witness condemns many deeds that receive human praise,” he writes. “For it often happens that the appearance of an act belies what the agent has in mind.”

There is no sin as sticky as self-righteousness. And that’s because self-righteousness springs from a sense of our own rightness. With clenched fists, we hold tight to it, because rightness is bound up with our view of ourselves.

I know this from sad experience. To admit I’m wrong—to acknowledge that wrongful actions aren’t canceled out by good intentions, or that in the heat of conflict my wife or my kids may be more often right than I am—would drive a spear into the heart of my self-estimation. So I deflect. I defend. I explain. I justify. I need to prove I’m right to stay upright, elevated over those closest to me. I thrash around, trying to keep myself afloat above the waters of selfishness that would otherwise drown me.

Self-righteousness is the defense we erect so we won’t be knocked off-balance. It’s our attempt to preserve the pristine picture we have of ourselves, to keep our self-image from shattering.

Baggage of Self-Righteousness

One of the most memorable episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond centers on a suitcase sitting on the staircase landing. After returning home from a trip, Ray and Debra each assume the other will eventually haul it upstairs. Days pass. No one moves the suitcase. Both husband and wife begin to seethe, rehearsing all the reasons why it’s only right for the other to carry the load, pleading their case to other family members. Every time they see the suitcase, they grow more entrenched in the rightness of their cause, more determined not to give in.

The best moment comes at the end of the episode, when Ray returns home early from a business trip and apologizes for his stubbornness. Just when it looks like reconciliation has arrived, it becomes clear that Ray’s action is still self-motivated. He came home early as a display of remorse intended to impress his wife with his goodness. With pursed lips, Debra sighs and then announces she’ll move the suitcase: “I’ll be the one who got it.”

In an instant, the dispute flips. It’s unacceptable for Ray that Debra be the reasonable and mature one. “No, no, no!” he cries. “Let the record show that I got it!” After an entire episode devoted to arguing over who won’t move the suitcase, the couple now battles over who will.

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