You see, over the past two and a half years, I have been coordinating with some of my fellow atheists to get into every religious group on campus. I am not in any of them myself, as my incredible fame has made me too high profile and thus a risk to the operation. Nevertheless, I have agents that have all successfully won your trust, and it is only a matter of time before you elect them to be the presidents of your various organizations.

I tried to throw you all off of my trail, Vandy religious groups. The only way my plan could succeed was if people stopped talking about the whole issue. I tried to tell everyone that it wasn’t a big deal. I said that the new leadership requirements wouldn’t really change anything, that religious groups would still be able to elect their own leaders based on their own values despite the new rules, and that everything would be fine.

But no. You guys just had to keep bringing it up. Freedom of expression this and nondiscrimination that. Thanks to your constant whining, it was only a matter of time before my plans would be foiled. I was even temporarily thrown off by your most-likely-Korean, lead paint-covered, knock-off iPods, as I feared these propaganda tools might alert the public about someone with such devious plans. Luckily, most people donated them to people that could actually benefit from a cheap music player before they even bothered to listen to the message inside. Even the people that actually looked at theirs kept saying that the whole “someone could take over our group and disband it” argument was a silly one, as such a scenario was ridiculously improbable. And I nodded along, smiling to myself and hoping that you were all convinced.

Who am I? I’m your worst nightmare. I’m what the Mayans were trying to warn you about. You should fear me more than you fear a homosexual joining one of your organizations. I should frighten you more than the possibility of having to engage with a philosophy professor about your faith. Who am I? I’m the guy they said couldn’t exist. I’m the guy who is slowly but surely going to take down every religious group on campus.

How will I do it? Let me tell you a parable of sorts.

[Editor’s note: This article is incomplete. The link (URL) to the original article is unavailable and has been removed.]

(Editor’s Note: “Inside Vandy” is the online student newspaper. Mr. Crater is an undergraduate junior and a regular columnist)