The Christian’s relationship to his parents is based on his relationship to God. Because God has placed these specific parents in their lives, any other behavior expressed in the horizontal way (between people) involves a vertical aspect (between God and man) as well. It is God’s will to have these imperfect families knit together.

“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” (Matthew 5:14-16)

Parents exert a lot of energy nurturing their children, protecting them from evil, and pointing them to the right way to live. With few notorious exceptions, that all parents share those goals, whether Christian or not. In a nation as large as the United States, it is not surprising when there is tremendous variety in terms of how people think that should be done. When these world-views clash people naturally end up avoiding those who they think exercise poor influence over their children. And in most relationships that is a normal and acceptable response. But what is to be done when the bad influence arises from your own extended family?

Extended family can undermine the hard work Christian parents are doing to train up their children “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). But the response to unbelieving extended family is more complicated because the Bible outlines some basic obligations for Christians in their larger families. These obligations are unique to the family relationship. The basic question is, “How does a Christian balance the call to honor parents and provide for them when parents, or perhaps extended family as a whole, do not honor the Lord and exercise a negative influence on your nuclear family unit of husband, wife, and children?” But answering this question is complicated and requires an examination first of the ethical obligation of the fifth commandment and second, of the practical steps that can be taken in this regard.

The Ethical Obligation

When relationships are in family bounds, there are unique obligations. These obligations complicate the decisions that are to be made. People enter almost all relationships voluntarily. Perhaps there is a common stage of life or interest; perhaps work or school brings people together. Whatever the case may be, people willingly enter these relationships and are free to leave them if relational obstacles become too great. However, family relationships have with them an aspect of obligation, at least biblically speaking. There are two broad categories that can be considered.

First, there is the obligation of honor. “Honor your father and your mother.”[i] There does not seem to be a limit attached to that biblical mandate. As part of the Ten Commandments there is an abiding nature for all people everywhere to live in obedience to this law. The question of how that is done may be various, but the biblical expectation is that it should be done.

Second, there is the obligation of provision. “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”[ii] To fail to provide materially for family is the expectation of Scripture.

In all but the most exceptional circumstances, some traces of these should be visible in how the extended family is treated. There should be a great hesitancy to cut off even difficult family members because the obligations above are not simply self-help principles, but divine directives. God is the author of families and the obligations attached to those relationships. And though there be variety in all the different relationships within that family, the Christian is to do all he can to live to the glory of God, by ordering his life according to God’s instruction.

In the case of relationships between people, the fifth commandment gives God’s direction. “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.”[iii] And though father and mother are specifically mentioned, the applications of this commandment extent to all human relationships.

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