Are some destined to a Narnia-like marriage where it’s always winter and never Christmas? Is there hope for a couple when the chill sets in?  Throughout years of ministry, I have witnessed spring bloom time and again in marriages and I believe there is hope. In the midst of a wintery season, how can a couple till the soil of their marriage to encourage new growth?

We sit across the table from one another. Tears brim. I speak the painful words I have contemplated with so many:

Sometimes the loneliness in marriage is lonelier than being alone.

She nods.

Her marriage is not suffering the tragedy of adultery or the horror of abuse. Instead, a cool distance has set in where warmth once bloomed. The quiet tragedy of lives lived beside one another, but not in union with one another.

Older people warned us. They told us they weathered difficult times.  We thought they meant the Great Depression or a war or an illness. One woman married over sixty years was asked if she ever considered divorce. “No, I never considered divorce,” she replied. “But I did take out the revolver a couple of times.” Behind the humor is the reality of a different kind of pain.

In every marriage there is the gradual wear and tear of life on life. Sin rubs against sin, causing relational blisters that are difficult to heal. The person that once brought smiles of joy now causes tears of pain. You used to talk for hours, now the silence screams angry.

Are some destined to a Narnia-like marriage where it’s always winter and never Christmas? Is there hope for a couple when the chill sets in?  Throughout years of ministry, I have witnessed spring bloom time and again in marriages and I believe there is hope. In the midst of a wintery season, how can a couple till the soil of their marriage to encourage new growth?

Embrace the Promise

At some point most marriages face a rough patch. Being annoyed, frustrated, or emotionally distanced does not mean you married the wrong person or have a difficult marriage. You have a marriage. There’s a reason we make a promise “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”  The necessity of a promise presupposes that at some point we may want to abandon ship. While most Facebook pages are full of apple picking families, romantic get-a ways, and birthday celebrations, believe me, the numbers of difficult stories behind those seemingly happy stories are countless. I regularly meet with women struggling in their marriages. But who shares on their newsfeed:  I cried myself to sleep last night because I had a terrible fight with my husband ormy wife confessed she isn’t attracted to me anymore? An unrealistic expectation of a trouble-free marriage has a tendency to increase our dissatisfaction with it. Accepting that wintery seasons are a normal part of many healthy marriages can be a helpful first step towards healing.

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