Sex—with its nakedness, its vulnerability, and its intimacy—is very powerful. It is risky, even, and this is why God has set it in a particular context. According to God, the creator of human sexuality, marriage is the only appropriate context for sexual activity of any kind. Within marriage, sex flows out of the commitment formalized in the wedding vows and always points back to it. 

Over the past few years, there has been a crescendo of talk about sexual consent aimed especially at our teens and young adults. Freshman orientation at the local college is now less likely to orient students in the ins and the outs of campus and curriculum and more likely to teach the ins and outs of sex and consent. Students are taught that consent must be given before the commencement of any sexual encounter and again explicitly through each and every progression of that encounter. Any withholding, denial, or inability to give consent are clear indications that all sexual acts must cease immediately.

It is good and wise, of course, to teach the importance of sexual consent and the terrible harm that comes by ignoring or violating it. Please hear me: non-consensual sexual activity of any kind is immoral, abhorrent, and inexcusable. It falls to parents to teach our children its importance. But, as we will see, the problem with so much of today’s talk of consent is that it studiously avoids grounding it in the only appropriate context for sexual activity. If we, as Christian parents, ground our children in that context, we will have come a long way toward instructing them in the matter of consent in a confused and confusing world.

First, let’s consider consent as God intended it, as he created it to exist in his perfect world. Sex—with its nakedness, its vulnerability, and its intimacy—is very powerful. It is risky, even, and this is why God has set it in a particular context. According to God, the creator of human sexuality, marriage is the only appropriate context for sexual activity of any kind. Within marriage, sex flows out of the commitment formalized in the wedding vows and always points back to it. For this reason, Tim and Kathy Keller describe sex as a “covenant renewal ceremony” and say, “sex is perhaps the most powerful God-created way to help you give your entire self to another human being. Sex is God’s appointed way for two people to reciprocally say to one another, ‘I belong completely, permanently, and exclusively to you.’ You must not use sex to say anything less. So, according to the Bible, a covenant is necessary for sex. It creates a place of security for vulnerability and intimacy.” Thus, marriage is the God-ordained context in which husband and wife willingly consent to give themselves to one another as an expression of their mutual love and commitment.

Within this God-given context of general consent of the marriage covenant, there must also be express consent. In a relationship that functions as God decrees, a husband acting in love would never demand or take what his wife is unwilling to assent to (and vice versa, of course). He loves his wife, he is eager to protect her, he is eager to do what is good for her, and is willing to submit his desires to hers. Further, he is committed to their long-lasting joy and, therefore, unwilling to forcefully gain any short-term satisfaction that would jeopardize long-term harmony. Rather, his concern is that any sexual activity they share is mutual—desired by both, with the assent of both, and for the good of both. It is not the fear of law and consequence that constrains him, but the presence of love and commitment. It is his love for his bride and his desire for the well-being of their relationship that keeps him from violating her.

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