Sex in marriage should bring a deeper appreciation for the incalculable riches of your spouse’s humanity and the wonder of being united to them, both body and soul.

When we think about sex in marriage and the boundaries God sets for our lives, we often start by asking, “What am I allowed to do?” While that’s not a bad question, an even better question would be, “Does this glorify God?”

The first question asks how far you can go without stepping out of bounds, while the second question is concerned with flourishing—vibrancy, growth, and health. We must ask our hearts: Do we truly believe that God’s glory and our flourishing are not opposed to one another?

Four Questions to Ask About Sex in Marriage

Thinking within this framework of flourishing is especially important when we think about God-glorifying sex in marriage. Just because certain activities in the marriage bed might feel exciting and pleasurable for one or both spouses, does not mean they glorify God or ultimately lead to a flourishing marriage. Instead of giving a simple list of dos and don’ts, we should be asking deeper questions about God-glorifying sex in marriage.

1. Does It Foster Love or Lust?

We usually don’t think about lusting after our spouse. Whenever I hear lust mentioned, it’s almost always directed toward someone you’re not married to. Perhaps you don’t even think it’s possible to lust after your spouse, and that all sexual desire is automatically sanctified within marriage.

One feature of lust is its selfish nature. Lust is not concerned with the good of another but is only concerned with what will satisfy my desires. This is why it’s obvious that viewing pornography is a lustful act. The viewer has no concern for the people on the screen; their purpose is to satisfy sexual desires. If we think about lust through the lens of selfishness, then it becomes very plausible that lust is a real danger within marriage.

This is why God tells us to not only look at the outward behavior, but to also examine our hearts (1 Samuel 16:7). But how do you know if your heart is lusting or loving during sex in marriage? This might seem difficult to navigate, and I don’t want to feed any unhelpful over-examination of your heart. God wants you to experience deep pleasure within sex, but he also designed that pleasure to enhance and be inseparably tied to the love you share together. Sex is about intimate connection with your spouse that reveals the deeper mystery of the church’s union and communion with Christ.

As I mentioned in a previous article, your heart’s disposition during sex in marriage should be focused on how you can build up, serve, and esteem your spouse. One simple diagnostic for whether your heart is moving in the direction of lust or love is to ask yourself, “Jesus said that it is better to give than to receive; have I experienced this truth in my marriage bed?” (Acts 20:35) When you engage in sex, is your deepest desire to feel intense pleasure, or is it to express the depths of your love for your spouse?

2. Does It Build Up or Degrade?

We all know the shift that happens from dating to marriage. In dating, both people seek to showcase their best qualities while hiding their worst. But inevitably, over time—especially once you get married—all the things you tried to gloss over eventually get revealed. From unpleasant odors to embarrassing noises to strange habits, all our warts get exposed. While at times these may reveal a lack of decorum or care for one another, by and large, there’s a sweetness to truly knowing and being known, even with all our flaws. Your spouse should be the one person before whom you don’t need to feel ashamed.

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