One spouse on fire for the recently discovered Reformed faith, devouring books on imputed righteousness, the regulative principle, and supralapsarianism, while the other wonders what’s wrong with their old Methodist (or similar) church. What counsel should pastors and churches give such couples?

One of the regular patterns I observed in my pastorate was the mismatched married couple. I’m not talking about a mismatched couple in terms of personalities or interests, but rather a theologically mismatched couple. It seems that every so often a couple would visit the church—one person was on fire for the recently discovered Reformed faith and the other person was not sure what was happening, but they were just along for the ride. One spouse was reading and devouring books, talking about imputed righteousness, the regulative principle, and supralapsarianism, and the other spouse was wondering what was wrong with their old Methodist church. To say the least, as the old Journey song goes, the two people were headed separate ways, “Here we stand, worlds apart…” What counsel should you give such people?

The first piece of advice I usually offered such couples is, be patient. No matter how much pleading, arguing (i.e., making a case), books, and dragging you might try to do, your spouse will not be convinced. You must hold out the Reformed faith with an open hand and live your theology more than talk about it. What good will it do you, for example, to get angry and exasperated all under the guise of “living the Reformed faith” before your unpersuaded spouse? All he’ll think is that you’ve become quite the jerk since becoming convinced of Reformed theology. Being patient doesn’t mean twiddling your thumbs. Rather, it means praying for your spouse and living out your sanctification—showing your spouse the love of Christ in word, thought, and deed.

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