Marriages that are not primarily built on sexual attraction, in one sense, are on the fast track to understanding what truly builds a great marriage. They’re also uniquely equipped to acknowledge the hard work that is required in achieving truly fulfilling sexual intimacy. The butterflies of love at first sight say nothing about the quality of a relationship. 

Is it possible for someone who isn’t attracted to the opposite sex to have a truly fulfilling, beautiful, biblical marriage? If we’re honest, when we think of our brothers and sisters who battle against exclusive same-sex attraction, we often assume that marriage simply isn’t an option for them. We think they should probably just accept that God wants them to remain celibate. After all, “How can you marry someone you’re not attracted to?”

But this reveals a very shallow understanding of attraction, marriage, and God’s work in the lives of his children.

The Nature of Human Attraction

Human attraction is not an easy concept to pin down. There are many ways in which we are attracted to others.

We are attracted to people who share similar interests, display virtues that we value, are both externally and internally beautiful, and to people who make us feel good through their interactions with us.

Our own dispositions and experiences shape who we’re attracted to. Some people are attracted to confident, charismatic leaders, while others are drawn to more reserved, pensive personalities. Godly men and women are drawn to those who display the fruit of the Spirit and a humble posture towards God and others.

Our gender also shapes our attractions. God generally created men with a greater emphasis on visual attraction and women with a greater emphasis on emotional and interpersonal attraction.

Even our sin and suffering shape our attractions. We are attracted to people who have qualities that we feel we lack, and we look to them for a sense of security, belonging, and acceptance. We may be attracted to people who give us the attention we long for and perhaps lacked in our formative years.

Attraction is not a simplistic, binary, static experience. It’s dynamic, multi-faceted, and dependent on a variety of factors. It would be a gross distortion to say that our attractions are inborn, fully-formed, and fixed from womb to tomb. This doesn’t mean that biology has no bearing on our attractions, but it is not the total explanation for our experience.

In any healthy marriage, attractions will necessarily change as husband and wife grow together in maturity and age.

With all that said, we can acknowledge that by the time we reach adulthood, many of our attractions seem to solidify. A combination of biological factors and formative childhood experiences tend to move our attractions in certain directions, and, as we age, those attractions decrease in malleability.

But we are never static. We are always changing. Each season of life brings new opportunities, challenges, and experiences that continue to shape us. What was once soft putty as a child has become harder to mold as an adult, but that doesn’t mean adults can’t dramatically change in their dispositions, attractions, preferences, and values. In fact, in any healthy marriage, attractions will necessarily change as husband and wife grow together in maturity and age.

Attraction and Marriage

“It was love at first sight.” While it is sweet hearing a seasoned husband recount being love-struck the first time he saw his wife, that’s not only a less than common experience, but it’s also not what sustains a loving, passionate marriage for the long haul. The stomach butterflies of romantic attraction usually indicate a love that has yet to mature.

This is not to say that attraction has no place in evaluating whether you want to commit yourself to another person for the rest of your life. Clearly something about them must draw you in. But if the typical physical or romantic attractions are initially weak, all hope is not lost.

For many marriages, it’s more common for attraction to grow slowly over time. Rather than falling head over heels, a process of evaluating the relationship, seeking God’s leading in prayer, and slowly opening oneself to the possibility of pursuing marriage typically strengthens and confirms a growing attraction.

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