“To expect my spouse to meet all my relational needs is to expect her to be more than who she really is. She cannot share all my interests and hobbies. She can pretend to be interested in that sociological study I read, and I appreciate her efforts. But we all know the difference between genuine interest in a subject and more general interest in a person. My wife honors my interests, but she can’t enjoy them all. And I don’t need her to enjoy them all. I love her for who she is, and I love other people for who they are.”

I love my wife. She’s a remarkable, godly, and wonderful woman. I am thrilled to be married to her and to have spent these last ten years growing together. To expect her to meet all of my relational needs, however, would be incredibly unfair to her. Romantic love is a wonderful gift from God, but all of our relational needs cannot be met in one relationship. We need more than romantic love to be happy.

There are loads of clichés about love. “Love is all we need.” “I married my best friend.” Songs invite couples into an “us against the world” mentality. But these clichés are misleading and will ultimately damage relationships. Romantic love serves a wonderful purpose, but it cannot do more than it was designed to do. It cannot replace the important role of other friendships.

We Need the Love of Friends: Five Reasons

At least five reasons ground my claim that romantic love is insufficient for a fulfilled life.

1. Marital relationships exist for something beyond themselves. Marriage is not meant to be a self-contained reality. In his article “Marriage for the Common Good,” James K. A. Smith writes beautifully of the inherent selfishness of our modern conception of marriage:

Indeed, the myths we load into weddings almost doom marriages to fail. Weddings are centered around the romantic “coupling” of two star-crossed lovers, as if marriage was an extended exercise of staring deep into one another’s eyes—with benefits. But even then, my spouse is one who sees me, will meet my needs, will fulfill my wants, will “complete me.” Even our romantic coupling becomes a form of self-love.

Too often, we reduce romantic love to self-interest. The spousal relationship is viewed, in this conception, as a whole community unto itself. But this reduces marriage to something far less significant, far less biblical. Smith proposes “households” instead of these idealized marriages. He writes:

“Householding” is crucial for social architecture, for it is in such families that we incubate not just love for one another, but love of God and neighbor, pushing out the door in pursuit of the common good. If we want to raise up a generation passionate about the common good, perhaps we should say “No” to the dress—and all of the spectacular trappings of Wedding, Inc.—and instead plan for a marriage with open doors, honest in its vulnerability, even eagerly dependent. “There ain’t no shame in reaching out for a friend.”

This is the model that the Bible gives us when it speaks of marriage as a symbol of the gospel. The union of a husband and wife is meant to speak to the beauty of Christ’s love for the church. How can it do this in isolation from the rest of the world? Marriage must exist for the greater good; it must exist for something beyond itself.

2. We are complicated individuals who need a diversity of relationships. To expect my spouse to meet all my relational needs is to expect her to be more than who she really is. She cannot share all my interests and hobbies. She can pretend to be interested in that sociological study I read, and I appreciate her efforts. But we all know the difference between genuine interest in a subject and more general interest in a person. My wife honors my interests, but she can’t enjoy them all. And I don’t need her to enjoy them all. I love her for who she is, and I love other people for who they are.

3. Our spouses can’t teach us everything we need to know. This is blatantly obvious about marriage. We may often recognize the importance of spending time with couples who have more years behind their marriage, because obviously my spouse and I can’t teach each other everything about what it means to be married. We need the insights of people who have gone before us. This is also true about the wide swath of human, intellectual, theological, and professional experiences. As valuable as my wife is, and as brilliant as she is, her experiences and training are limited, as are mine. If she wants to learn how to be growing and diverse human being, she needs to interact with people beyond me.

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