It’s easy to think that a real Christian man wouldn’t settle for a “tainted” woman, that he’ll only marry a woman who’s pure and perfect just like him. On the contrary, a man who strives to be like Christ will love and treasure you despite your past. A man who strives to be like Christ will forgive you once and forever.

Editors’ Note: A reader recently wrote The Gospel Coalition an honest, heart-wrenching comment concerning impurity before marriage. She said:

“I know from experience that it is quite impossible to remain pure when you date someone whose heart is not longing for Jesus. And as a woman, I made that man my “ultimate joy” for a time and thus, fell into sin. I wish I could take it back. I feel ashamed whenever I think about it. I know that forgiveness is found in Jesus. It still wrecks me when I think about the fact that I will have to tell my future spouse of my past indiscretions and sin. I have confessed my sin to God, but I guess I still have to deal with the fact that I sinned against my future spouse.”

Julia Huisman (Director of Communications at Bethel Church in Crown Point, Indiana) and Tammy Johnston (Director of Women’s Ministries at Bethel Church) share their response to this post.

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Shame resulting from sexual sin can be great, especially for Christian women. We’re supposed to be good girls. We’re supposed to push men away (and coyly, mind you) when they make advances at us. It’s part of our moral and cultural DNA. So when we stray from that expectation, we feel weak, dirty, and unworthy. And we fear that other people, particularly our future husband, will see us that way as well.

The two of us (Tammy and Julia) were Christians when we each fell into sexual sin. We both engaged in premarital sex, and we both became pregnant because of it. Our sin was broadcasted to those around us in a very visual way and would live with us for the rest of our lives. We couldn’t hide from our sin; we had to accept the consequences that came from it. Doing so required humility and daily acceptance of God’s grace.

We have learned, through our experiences and through God’s Word, that the way to combat remorse and shame in this area is to:

Accept God’s forgiveness. Confessed sexual sin is forgiven in Christ. If you have turned from sexual sin in honest confession, it cannot wreck you, because you are forgiven by the only one who truly matters: God. In reference to sexual immorality specifically, Paul says, “But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6:11).

God has forgiven you! He has removed your transgression “as far as the east is from the west”! (Psalm 103:12) Now you must accept that forgiveness. Learn from your sin and aim never to repeat it, yes, but view yourself in the eyes of Christ, who sees you as pure and holy through his grace.

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