We must also realize that a virtue, such as agape love, is not something you simply constantly do 24/7 to the point of exhausting yourself completely unless, as was Christ’s case, God calls you to empty yourself to the point of death in a particular moment. After all, the paragon of agape love, Jesus, demonstrated clear boundaries and limits for the years of his ministry until he was called by God to make the ultimate sacrifice.

Our two boys were three and six years old when my wife contracted Guillain Barré. Fortunately, the doctors were able to stop its deadly progression caused by her immune system going crazy and demyelinating her nerves before it reached her vital organs. She spent the next year in bed on a roller coaster of “recovery” (she still lives with chronic pain and major physical limitations) while I tried to take care of her and the boys (with lots of help from neighbors close by and family who came from far away).

For a period, I kept teaching Sunday School and being a deacon. It was a foolish thing to do, and I would strongly advise anyone in that situation to order their loves appropriately, stop serving the church in these ways, and take care of their family. I became mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. Yet, I initially pressed on without getting rid of other responsibilities because I was used to being capable enough to fulfill all my commitments. I was not wise enough to know how to navigate the situation.

That experience is why the recent public spat about Vice President J.D. Vance’s claim that the Christian tradition teaches we must order our loves (ordo amoris) brought back bad memories. I asked myself: “How do the people reacting negatively to his claim not realize that unless you are God you always have to order your loves?” A person must order their loves. A university must order its loves. A country must order its loves. Every individual and every human institution must order their loves. Doing so is both scriptural and just a plain fact of reality.1 To not realize as much is foolishness. Yet, I myself have been that fool at times. 

Identity, Proximity, and Agape Love

The reason why we have to order our loves is that agape love requires sacrifice. I John 3:16 is fairly clear in that it states: “This is how we know what love (agapēn) is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.” Jesus demonstrated that there is a cost to agape love. Reversing the Fall requires enduring suffering.

Jesus laid down his life for all humanity and all creation. Due to our humanity and limitations, we must lay down our lives in more particular, focused ways. That’s where Christ’s life is helpful as well as the apostles’ example. We clearly see Jesus, the disciples, and Paul ordering their priorities, their time, and yes, their loves in particular ways under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. They help only certain people and particular churches in particular cities. They make tough choices about who and how to order their loves.

Unfortunately, some misread even some of the most famous of Jesus’ parables to try and emphasize a universal approach to love that is only possible for God. For example, Tim Farron, a Member of Parliament in the United Kingdom claimed on X, “In the Good Samaritan, Jesus clearly tells us that our neighbor is *everyone* – including the ‘alien’ – and that you must love them, and that love is costly.” That is not the message of the Good Samaritan (although most of what he said can be supported by other Scripture).

In the parable of the Good Samaritan, Jesus corrected misunderstandings about what it means to be an excellent neighbor. His key concluding question is, “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?” (Luke 10:36).

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