Marriage should not be treated as a purely individual decision detached from family, church, and counsel. A young man and woman may be the ones getting married, but they are not the only ones affected. Families are joined. Households are shaped. Future children are impacted. Congregations are often involved.

It may surprise some people that the PCA’s Book of Church Order places its chapter on marriage in the Directory for Worship. After all, the solemnization of marriage is not one of the stated elements of ordinary Lord’s Day worship. We do not gather every week for preaching, prayer, sacraments, singing, offerings, and marriage vows.

Still, it is fitting that marriage appears here.

A wedding is not exactly the same thing as the public worship of the gathered church on the Lord’s Day. We should probably be careful before treating it as though it were. For example, baptisms and the Lord’s Supper would be inappropriate for a wedding service. A wedding is not simply a regular worship service with nicer clothes and more flowers.

And yet, a Christian wedding is not a private party either. It is a solemn occasion before God. Scripture is read. Prayers are offered. Instruction is given. Vows are made in the presence of witnesses. A minister of the gospel presides. The name of God is invoked. The couple enters a covenantal relationship that God Himself instituted.

So perhaps we should say it this way: marriage is not an ordinary element of public worship, but the solemnization of marriage is an act that belongs under the church’s moral and pastoral care.

Marriage Is a Divine Institution, Not a Sacrament

BCO 59 begins, “Marriage is a divine institution, though not a sacrament, nor peculiar to the Church of Christ.”

First, marriage is a divine institution. Marriage comes from God. It reaches back to the earliest chapters of Scripture, before the fall, before Israel, before the church, before the nations as we know them. God made man male and female. God brought the woman to the man. God joined them together. That means marriage is not ours to redefine because we receive it from the Lord.

Second, marriage is not a sacrament. Christ has given His church two sacraments: baptism and the Lord’s Supper. Marriage is good. Marriage is holy. Marriage is ordained by God. But marriage is not a sacrament.

If marriage were a sacrament, then the unmarried would be excluded from something essential to ordinary Christian discipleship. But that is not the case. A single Christian is not a second-class Christian. An unmarried believer is not missing a sacrament. Marriage is a good gift, but it is not a means of grace in the same category as baptism and the Lord’s Supper.

Third, marriage is not peculiar to the Church. Christians are not the only people who can be married. Marriage belongs to mankind, not merely to the visible church. A husband and wife who were married before they were converted do not need to be “remarried” after they become Christians. Their marriage was real before. It is now to be lived unto the Lord in a new way.

This also explains why civil society has a proper interest in marriage. BCO 59 says that “every commonwealth” may make laws to regulate marriage for the good of society, and citizens are bound to obey those laws insofar as they do not transgress the laws of God.

Marriage is not merely a church matter. It concerns inheritance, children, households, public order, legal responsibility, and the welfare of society. At the same time, the state does not have ultimate authority over marriage. God does. Civil laws must be obeyed unless they require disobedience to God.

That distinction is increasingly important in our day. There may be arrangements that civil law calls “marriage” which the church does not recognize as marriage. But that does not mean Christians should invent secret “ecclesiastical marriages” while refusing lawful civil recognition for ordinary marriages. We are not free to play games with vows, households, benefits, or legal duties. Christians should walk honorably before both God and man.

Christians Should Marry in the Lord

BCO 59-2 says, “Christians should marry in the Lord.”

A Christian should marry a Christian. Marriage is the most intimate earthly relationship. A husband and wife share a household, a bed, a name, a life, and children. How can a believer deliberately enter that covenant with someone who does not share allegiance to Christ?

Scripture gives counsel for those who are already married when one spouse is converted and the other is not. But when a Christian is seeking marriage, the matter is clear: marry in the Lord.

This is one reason the church’s pastoral care before marriage is so important. BCO 59 says it is fitting that marriage be solemnized by a lawful minister, with special instruction and suitable prayers. In ordinary language, we are talking about premarital counseling, pastoral oversight, and a wedding ceremony that includes Christian instruction and prayer.

A wedding is not the time for a five-week sermon series. But it is a time for the minister to speak truthfully about what marriage is. He should not merely offer sentimental reflections on love. He should speak of God’s design, covenant faithfulness, the duties of husband and wife, the seriousness of vows, and the grace needed to keep them.

The prayers matter too. A Christian couple does not enter marriage self-sufficiently. They need the blessing of God. They need the help of the Spirit. They need grace to forgive, patience to endure, humility to repent, and love that is more than mood or romance. The church prays because marriage is too serious to begin without asking God’s help.

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