While we can’t always understand why things happen, the gospel helps us see God’s nearness clearly. Far from leaving us alone when we suffer, God went above and beyond to make sure our suffering would end and that we could be with him forever.

As a teenager, I lived the sort of dream life that church-attending Korean American parents wanted from their children, and the kind of life that many of my peers applauded.

My good grades and commitment to extracurriculars proba­bly should have labeled me a nerd in the cruel social landscape of high school, but I somehow navigated the politics of cliques and had a vibrant social life. I participated at church, volunteered in children’s ministry, and faithfully kept Friday nights open for youth group.

I had every reason to be happy and fulfilled. I was seemingly rich in relationships and accomplishments—as rich as a teenager could be.

So why was I so lonely?

During my junior and senior years of high school, I experi­enced for the first time a kind of loneliness that didn’t just make me sad—it made me scared. I spent each day surrounded by people, exchanging words and laughs. But every night, I found myself enveloped in a sinking feeling of being alone. I wondered why the relationships in my life didn’t feel concrete or real.

I knew my family loved me, but I didn’t believe they accepted me. Beneath the surface of the model Asian child was a con­fused and hurting teenager. I hungered for a kind of emotion­ally sensitive dialogue that my first-generation Korean parents didn’t even know existed. I never questioned my parents’ obli­gated care for me as their child, but I felt that as a person, I was either too much for them emotionally or not enough for them academically.

I knew my friends enjoyed my friendship and we cared for each other, but I didn’t believe they knew me. I wondered if my friends would stick around if I were to show them a more raw version of me. Would they enjoy my friendship if I took off the mask of a constantly happy and fun Soojin? Most importantly, did they care to know what was actually at my core?

I knew that God is always present in all places, but I didn’t believe He was actually with me. On the outside, I was as strong in my faith as any teenager could be. I never questioned the exis­tence of God, I could spit out a decent explanation of John 3:16, and I made church a central part of my life. However, if you peeled away the outer layers, you would find an orphan who saw God as distant and uninvolved.

You see, as a child I had endured a horrible incident of sexual assault. Although I had no physical bruising left, my soul was permanently bruised, and I was just beginning to realize this as a teenager. Whenever I genuinely experienced God’s love at youth group, I immediately went back to what had happened to me and wondered why God stood by and did nothing to save me. How could God have allowed such evil to enter my life? Maybe God was present in some sense, but I couldn’t believe that he was for me.

The loneliness I felt was too deep and too painful; it left me in tears many nights wondering what was wrong with me. Was I the only one who felt this?

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