Adults who grow up with undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder learn how to blend in as a matter of survival. In my early adult years, I did this successfully. I learned how to mimic the behaviors, attitudes, and opinions of others so that I could have a shot at being “normal.”

On Monday, December 22, 2014, I walked into the office of my therapist. I sat down on her couch with my wife by my side. I took a long deep breath and slowly exhaled, waiting for answers to my 36-year-long question. She grabbed her clip board, glanced over the assessments we had completed in weeks prior, looked me in the eye, and uttered three words that changed my life: “autism spectrum disorder.” While the diagnosis didn’t change who I was, it did change my understanding of who I had been. In many ways, I have spent the years since that diagnosis learning myself all over again.

I was extremely stubborn, more so than other children my age. I struggled with change. Simple shifts in schedules or environments put me on edge. I operated with a robotically calculated persona. I took almost everything literally. Teachers discovered that I had been having accidents on the playground for weeks during my lunch period because I took the instructions of teachers literally when they told us the building was “not open until the bell rings.”

In the midst of social and educational struggles, I was often characterized as weak, weird, or just plain wrong. I was bullied by peers, by teachers, and on occasion by other parents because I seemed strange, stoic, and sometimes rude or arrogant. I became afraid of people, and at the age of 14, I turned to drugs and alcohol to cope.

Adults who grow up with undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder learn how to blend in as a matter of survival. In my early adult years, I did this successfully. I learned how to mimic the behaviors, attitudes, and opinions of others so that I could have a shot at being “normal.”

Called into Ministry

Then one day, just over one year after graduating college, God called me into ministry. I was frightened but intrigued. What could God possibly do with me? I was still so socially awkward; why would God want someone like me? To be honest, I ignored God for almost a year. Surely he had the wrong Lamar. As it turns out, God knew exactly who he was calling.

I spent the next nine years trying to find my place in the church. I grew up in the church, so I knew just enough of the culture to fake it. But being a pastor required relational skills that I lacked. Pastoring is a social job, and I wasn’t all that fun or exciting to be around. Most people didn’t even know that I could talk because I was so quiet and unassuming. I tried several churches in my quest to fit in and follow my calling. Eventually I landed a role as a youth pastor at New Community Church in Lagrange, Georgia.

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