Complementarian churches regularly call men to step up, to initiate, to lead the way, to spiritually lead their wives and kids. They are to set the pace for the home as the family runs after Christ. This is a good and biblical challenge. The problem comes when we (wives) hear this teaching for our husbands and want from them what only Jesus can provide. We become critical and grumbly.

Soon after getting married I read an article about a husband’s responsibility to love his wife. The author described a wife who is “nourished and cherished” by her husband, using words like glowing,” “flourishing,” “satisfied,” “content.” This wife sounded quite wonderful. So did her husband. I, on the other hand, felt off—worn out and lost in the shuffle of needy children and duties at home. I loved my husband, but our marriage was far from “glowing” as we struggled with communication and unmet expectations.

So, naturally, I concluded it was all his fault.

Marital Dissonance

When I first heard a sermon on Ephesians 5:22–33 upon returning to church after years away, I expected to be angry and defensive. Instead, I wept at the beautiful picture of complementarity painted in Paul’s words. My husband and I eventually chose the passage for our wedding. Though headship and submission was new to me, in both belief and experience, I wanted to go all in.

Complementarian churches regularly call men to step up, to initiate, to lead the way, to spiritually lead their wives and kids. They are to set the pace for the home as the family runs after Christ. This is a good and biblical challenge. The problem comes when we (wives) hear this teaching for our husbands and want from them what only Jesus can provide. We become critical and grumbly. Words from Ephesians ring in our ears: Is my husband loving me? Nourishing and cherishing me? Sanctifying me? Washing me with the water of the word?

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