A lot of us are so hellbent on being countercultural that we’ll accept a shoddy substitute for biblical truth as long as it counters the prevailing narrative. It has brought us to a place where we’re completely handicapped without an extra-biblical set of rules. If we can’t define godly femininity in terminology that tells us exactly who we should be at every moment of every day, we’ll default to our safe stereotype, to June Cleaver, to the cool girl. 

My best friend and I have a well-worn saying: “Kill the cool girl.”

It’s an inside joke that sounds pretty violent without knowing that the cool girl doesn’t actually exist.

The idea of her definitely does, though. Gillian Flynn wrote about it in her novel Gone Girl, and that paragraph has stuck with me ever since:

Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means that I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer . . . and jams hot dogs and hamburgers in her mouth  . . . while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner, and let their men do whatever they want. . . . I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl!

Now, obviously, Flynn’s cool girl inhabits a different subculture than my own (notice my edits), but the gist remains the same: she is hilarious, intelligent, non-threatening, attractive, and accommodating.

For many women, the cool girl of biblical womanhood is June Cleaver.

June’s Standard

Whenever I talk about stereotypical womanhood, June is on my mind. The beautiful mother in Leave It To Beaver had 1950s housewife down pat, from her perfectly coiffed hair and pressed dresses to that put-together stay-at-home mom persona. I never even liked the TV show, but June burrowed deep in my mind as the picture-perfect housewife.

A few months ago, a picture from a 1950s home economics book began making the rounds on Facebook. Titled “Tips For Looking After Your Husband,” it offered a few pieces of advice for wives, including:

• Take fifteen minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives.
• Never complain if he does not take you to dinner.
• Minimize all noises.
• Don’t complain if he’s late to dinner.
• Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.

The goal? “Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.”

And the church of June said, “Amen.”

And the voice of shame in my heart said, “You loser.”

The Trouble with Lists

To be clear, there is nothing inherently wrong with that list.

My husband just returned from an out-of-town trip, and I rushed around to clean the house and ready myself before he got home. I know he loves a vacuumed living room, so I happily did it for him.

But I’m still learning to “look after my husband,” to serve him, out of a genuine heart of service and sacrifice rather than one of guilt. I’m learning that the picture-perfect marriage I aspired to before is not an attainable goal. Phillip doesn’t want a wife who hides away her needs and fakes it at the end of a rough day. When he comes home, I’m not putting on a show. We want to outdo one another in acts of service, honor, and love (Romans 12:10). We want to look after each other. I’m no longer trying to be the cool girl, because the cool girl is too busy faking it to be sanctified.

The gospel’s picture of marriage is one of mutual sacrifice. The most radical version Paul preaches is actually required of husbands toward their wives (Ephesians 5:21–33). The purpose of the home is extending hospitality to people outside of the nuclear family (1 Peter 4:8–9), not merely the husband. God is the only king of biblical households. Both husband and wife are servants of him and one another.

“Tips For Looking After Your Husband” is not a bad list, but it falls terribly short of biblical truth.

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