What should I do when my husband forgets to buy milk on the way home from work? When my kids leave their new bikes out in the rain? When fellow church members are curt or critical on Sunday mornings?  Increasingly, I hear the godly action in these scenarios described as “giving grace.” And, while I wholeheartedly applaud heart-motivations of love, and God-glorifying acts of mercy, words still matter. When I hear Reformed people urging me to give “grace” to others, I question whether this is the right use of that precious word.

Ultimately, I’m afraid that by using the wrong biblical word for the right biblical response we may be misunderstanding both.

So, when people talk about “giving grace”–to husbands and children and the person next door–what, exactly, does that mean?

There are several biblical uses of the word “grace.” Among other things, it can mean favor (Luke 2:52). It sometimes refers to the gifts given by Christ (Eph. 4:7). It can also mean God’s working in the lives of elect and non-elect persons–restraining sin, promoting right action and attitudes, and giving temporal blessing (Matt. 5:45).

Primarily grace is, as Louis Berkhof writes, “God’s free, sovereign, undeserved favor or love to man, in his state of sin and guilt, which manifests itself in the forgiveness of sin and deliverance from its penalty.” 

I think it is a human version of this which most people have in mind when they encourage moms to give grace to their kids, wives to give grace to their husbands, and church members to give grace to one another.  Giving grace, one person to another, is commonly understood as forgiveness or patient forbearance when confronted with someone’s sin. This is a biblical and right action, and I give thanks to God for those who encourage parents and spouses to do more of it. Our families and communities need the self-denying kindness which Christ’s followers lavish on others.

But I hesitate to call those actions grace. 

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