After 4 years of wrestling with burnout, supported by loved ones and guided by mentors, I stand even more firm in Jesus’s gospel and love, although I am not ready to go back to ministry. Nevertheless, I can testify to God’s faithfulness amid these trials. He has brought healing in my first church, to my wife and two sons, and His Word and gospel have never been so intimate in my heart and soul.

Numerous scholarly works, podcasts, and leadership materials reference a well-known Duke University study that stated 85% of seminary graduates leave the pastoral ministry within 5 years of completing their studies. But rarely do we hear firsthand from one of these individuals.

Well, I am one of the 85% who did not persist in pastoral ministry.

Allow me to share my story, and if it is a familiar story to you, I pray that this will be an encouragement to your weary soul, and even if ever so slightly, give you hope into believing that God is working in and through you still to this day.

How I Became a Pastor

Back in my days as a seminary student, anyone in my life would have told you that I was born to be a pastor. After leaving my life of pursuing a career in medical sciences, when I heard God’s calling, I left behind everything and started pursuing the pastoral calling.

I spent endless hours and sleepless nights trying to make financial ends meet during my time as a seminary student, all the while serving as an interning pastor at my local church. For over 8 years of my adult life, my entire identity was wrapped around earning the title of being a pastor.

Eventually, within 4 years of graduating, I was offered a co-leading pastoral position at my home church in downtown Toronto. It was an exciting time for everyone, especially for those who sacrificed greatly, like my family, my fiancé, church leadership, and longtime congregation members.

By that time, being a pastor had become more than just a personality or vocation, but my entire identity. Everything in my life was so intricately tied to being a pastor. Almost immediately after beginning as a co-leading pastor, the weekly feedback and criticisms of my sermons, my leadership, comparisons to other churches, and complaints about the ministry began to break my soul deep within.

Just to be clear, these things existed in my life before becoming the co-lead pastor, but the intensity of how personally I took them to heart became that much greater. Eventually, instead of drawing from God’s daily grace and the power of the gospel, I began to try and solve all the issues on my own strengths. Not long after, I fell into a deep depression believing I was a bad pastor.

How Depression Affected Me

That deep depression led to an abrupt stop in my ability to continue pastoring, and before my 5th year as a graduate and less than 1 year into my co-leading role at the church, I realized I could not continue.

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