“For the person who is anxious or depressed, they may find further guilt and shame in what we say. For the person in a difficult situation, they may be looking for hope in our words, but what if what we say doesn’t pan out? Do our words give false hope? What authority do we have to speak for God about someone’s situation?”

During the Theology Conference Q&A, Dr. Murray stated:

At the core of all empathy and sympathy is humility, that you have something to learn from someone else… The first thing you want to do is just listen.

I don’t know about you, but this is the opposite of what I have done, which brought back memories for my daughter and me. I was not always the best listener nor the best learner when it came to helping her through some of her struggles. There are moments when she still feels sad over this, and I have more than my share of regrets as well. Thankfully this sadness does not mean that we have we have not reconciled nor forgiven one another. The sadness does not mean that our relationship isn’t stronger and healthier, which it is by God’s grace. But hurts take time to heal, and grief is part of that process.

I don’t whether it is just me or in the larger Christian culture, but it’s hard dealing with sadness. It’s a normal response to want someone to feel better. After all, who wants to see their child, spouse, or friend hurting? There’s also the triumphalism and prosperity gospel-lite that has infiltrated the church. Anyone remember this line – “And now I am happy all the day?” Yeah, right.

Silence is also awkward. So there’s an almost automatic response to fill the void with words all in an effort to cheer someone up, But words have power. For the person who is anxious or depressed, they may find further guilt and shame in what we say. For the person in a difficult situation, they may be looking for hope in our words, but what if what we say doesn’t pan out? Do our words give false hope? What authority do we have to speak for God about someone’s situation?

Finally, God has his timetable, but we want the cure/resolution as soon as possible. What if it takes time? What if the situation is chronic?

After the conference, if I wrote a book about my counseling attempts, I would call it “Incompetent to Counsel.” Thank God He is greater than my failures and even used them for good. In one sense, it comes down to trusting God – not just for the person who is suffering but for those of us who walk alongside. Listening and learning isn’t a waste of time. It may mean reading and research. But the people I love are worth the time and effort. It may mean learning to wait before I speak and perhaps not saying anything at all. But just my presence may be more helpful than my words. Humility acknowledges that I don’t have the complete picture or understand the complexity of the situation. But God does.

Persis Lorenti is an ordinary Christian. You can find her at Tried With Fire and Out of the Ordinary. This article appeared on her blog and is used with permission.