One Sunday afternoon, I had cooked a meal and asked her to say grace. I was astounded that in her giving thanks for the food, she said this to God: “I am so rotten and You are so good.” At first, I thought it was inappropriate, but I was taken aback by regret. My mother was spontaneous in her prayers. She was in her late 80s near the time of her death, and this is what was on her heart. She was also in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease. How could someone in her late 80s feel so rotten, I wondered?

Recently, I was reading Psalm 40 and was struck by these words written by David—one of the few people the Bible called “a man after God’s own heart.” He wrote:

Withhold not thou thy tender mercies from me, O Jehovah;
Let thy loving kindness and thy truth continually preserve me.
For innumerable evils have compassed me about;
Mine iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to look up;
They are more than the hairs of my head;
And my heart hath failed me.
Be pleased, O Jehovah, to deliver me:
Make haste to help me, O Jehovah (Psalm 40: 11-13, ASV).

As I read those words, the thought came to me, “If that is what such a man as David felt and wrote, what about my sin? The word “iniquity” is a strong, foreboding word. It even appears to exceed the word “sin,” as to perceived evil and displeasure to God.

Continuing to think on this text and my personal sins over life, I wondered if in my prayers of confession I ever really acknowledge how serious my sins are? We rarely hear the word “sin” today, much less the word “iniquity.” In fact, I don’t believe it is ever used. Instead, much lighter words and terms are used, such as failing, peccadillo, indiscretion, or offense. Does “iniquity” better describe God’s view of what we have thought, said or done? Or what about sins of commission and omission—what we’ve done or left undone? Doesn’t the stronger and more foreboding word make Christ’s atonement that much more amazing? Think of the words to the hymn “Amazing Grace” that include “. . . such a wretch as me.”

Such thoughts took me back in time to my beloved mother, a humble woman. Raised a Roman Catholic; in her teens she considered becoming a nun. She was devout in her faith and fear of God. In marriage, however, our father would not allow us to be raised Catholic. He joined a Presbyterian church and took us as children to Sunday school and church while she remained at home. Married by a justice of the peace and considered unmarried by the Church, she felt unable to attend Mass. Nonetheless, she was the spiritual force in our family teaching us to pray and reading Bible stories to us. One Easter morning, she decided to join us and go to church with us. She realized we worshiped the same Lord and Savior and began to attend regularly—joining the women’s Sunday school class. She grew in her knowledge of the Bible. She eventually joined the Presbyterian church.

Later in life and being a widow for 30 plus years, she daily read Scripture, meditating on it, and praying fervently. One Sunday afternoon, I had cooked a meal and asked her to say grace. I was astounded that in her giving thanks for the food, she said this to God: “I am so rotten and You are so good.” At first, I thought it was inappropriate, but I was taken aback by regret. My mother was spontaneous in her prayers. She was in her late 80s near the time of her death, and this is what was on her heart. She was also in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease. How could someone in her late 80s feel so rotten, I wondered?

I often thought my mother suffered from low self-esteem but came to realize she represented the epitome of humility. It colored her relationships with God and others. It was her most beautiful trait. To this day, I have not forgotten that prayer and at times tell God I’m borrowing my mother’s words to confess who and what I am to Him and why atonement and redemption in Jesus Christ means so much to me. I believe my mother was very precious to God because of her genuine humility. One proof of what she meant to God was revealed one day when she expressed to me from her hospital bed, “Helen, I want to go to heaven.” God heard her and answered her desire. Only several hours later, He came and took her, the night before she would go in a nursing home.

Both David and my mother were honest and sincere with God. Am I? Are we? Throughout the Bible—Old and New Testaments—God reveals various sins as abhorrent, abominable, detestable, or indecent. We know David committed adultery and murder besides what we may consider lesser sins, but David might not have considered them lesser sins—but rather all serious sins. Do I, do we ever consider our personal “iniquities” are more numerous than the hairs of our head? I have a full thick head of hair; and my life-long sins against God may be and probably are more than the hairs of my head. This is real and this is humbling. Recognizing this, sometimes the only words that come to me to say in confession to God is “Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy on me.”

Both David and my mother were humble. Am I? Are we? Humility is not a virtue most seek to attain, as egotistical pride is a primary goal for many, if not most; but we can only believe it is considered perhaps one of—if not the one–the most beautiful of character traits.

Such understanding and sincerity regarding our relationship to God, our Creator, our holy and righteous Judge, may lead us to pray as David prayed: “Be pleased, O Jehovah, to deliver me: Make haste to help me, O Jehovah.” That’s in the Torah, the Old Testament. The New Testament reveals believers have three enemies, “the world, the flesh, and the devil.” So in our prayers, we can ask God to deliver us from ourselves and our proneness to sin and to displease God. Not only can we, but we must.

How serious are my sins? Very serious, indeed. So serious they cost God sending His only begotten and beloved Son to pay the penalty on our behalf. When I comb my hair first thing in the morning, I think of David’s description of my “iniquities,” and I often think of my mother’s words, “I am so rotten, and You are so good.” But thanks be to God for:

God so loved the world, that he gave
his only begotten Son, that whosoever
believeth on him should not perish,
but have eternal life (John 3: 16, ASV).

Helen Louise Herndon is a member of Central Presbyterian Church (EPC) in St. Louis, Missouri. She is freelance writer and served as a missionary to the Arab/Muslim world in France and North Africa.