Some of you have become the very thing you hate. You’ve treated your parents with the same harshness you suffered. Some have dishonored through gossip, neglect, sarcasm, or apathy. Some have refused to forgive. Some have simply given up. But you are not responsible for your parents’ sins. You are responsible for your response.

There’s a certain kind of silence that settles over a room when the Fifth Commandment is read out loud.

Honor your father and your mother…

For many, this is a comforting passage that conjures up warm memories and feelings like security and peace. But for others, this verse can feel like a punch to the gut. And that is not because they object to obeying it, or see the command as foolish, but because they can still hear the yelling ringing in their ears, the absence that was deafening, the mockery, the bruises, and still live with the scars of a broken childhood.

What do you do with that? What do you do when the man who gave you his last name also gave you nightmares? When the woman whose womb cradled you, used her words to wound you? What are you supposed to do when home felt more like a prison you could not wait to escape from than a garden where you were planted and could grow?

There are usually heart breaking stories underneath these questions. And it is important to remember that God doesn’t forget. God does not fail to see. He’s not unaware of the abuse, the manipulation, the wounds, and the pains. And still, He has commanded that we honor our parents, even if our parents are dishonorable people.

This command is not in place because He’s cruel. But because He’s holy. Because He’s wise. Because He knows that obeying Him is the only path to healing, and because He knows bitterness will not set you free—only Christ will.

Dishonor Doesn’t Nullify the Command to Honor

At the heart of many objections to the Fifth Commandment is a subtle but deadly belief: that righteousness is only required where righteousness has first been received. It’s the ethic of reciprocity—the false notion that we are only obligated to do good to those who have done good to us. But that is not Christianity. That is karma. That is paganism with a Christanese veneer.

In the economy of God’s Kingdom, our duty to honor is not grounded in the worthiness of the recipient, but in the worthiness of God. He does not command honor only when it is easy. He commands it especially when it is costly. In fact, it is precisely there—when honor is hardest—that God receives the most glory.

Consider this: if your spouse is unfaithful, does that give you license to commit adultery in return? Of course not. If a man lies about you, does that free you to abandon the truth? Not for a second. If a friend slanders you, does that give you permission to gossip back? God forbid. And yet, this kind of reciprocity is native to our flesh, which is always hunting for justification to rebel. If we can shift the blame—“It was the woman You gave me” (Genesis 3:12), or “The serpent deceived me” (Genesis 3:13)—we think we can excuse our disobedience. But the presence of someone else’s sin never nullifies our own obligation to walk in holiness. Not once.

On the contrary, Peter says that unbelieving husbands are not won through reciprocal retaliation, but “without a word by the good behavior of their wives” (1 Peter 3:1). Jesus says that the world, steeped in darkness, will glorify God when they see our radiant good works (Matthew 5:16). Paul commands us not to return evil for evil, but to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21). This isn’t sentimental moralism. It is militant holiness. When we are cursed, we bless. When we are beaten, we return kindness. When we are slandered, we heap burning coals—not of vengeance, but of sincere love (Romans 12:20).

This is the path of Christ. He was dishonored, mocked, stripped, and nailed to a tree—and yet He poured out forgiveness on His enemies. He honored His Father perfectly, even as He bore the wrath for every dishonor ever committed against Him. And now, He calls us to walk that same path as an act of worship.

To honor dishonorable parents is not to ignore their sin or excuse their abuse. It is to rise above it—not in arrogance, but in imitation of Christ. It is to crucify your desire for vengeance, to lay your pain at the foot of the cross, and to walk the narrow road of obedience, even when it bleeds. It is one of the most Christ-centered, God-glorifying, countercultural acts a believer can perform.

To return evil for evil is demonic. To return honor for dishonor is to act like Christ.

This is what it means to be Christian.

This is how we must treat even dishonorable parents.

And while all of that may sound compelling in principle, perhaps you’re still wondering what it actually looks like in practice. Maybe you agree theologically, but you need clarity on the concrete application. So, here are ten practical ways to begin obeying this command today.

10 Ways to Honor the Dishonorable Parent

1. Forgive, Even Without Their Repentance

Forgiveness is not conditional. It does not wait around for a moment that may never come. Jesus did not say, “Wait until your offender is deeply sorry before you forgive.” He said, “If you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matthew 6:15). That means forgiveness is not optional. It is obedience.

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