Many Christians think that God only desires for us to be happy. They think he wants us to have the good life here on this earth. So when trials and suffering come, they struggle to fit it into their theology. Sometimes, even if a statement comes from Scripture, such as “God will use this for your good,” it’s not the time to say it. The best thing we can do is pray for wisdom and ask God to help us speak just the right thing at the right time.

Imagine you just learned that your body is battling a life-threatening disease. Life as you know it will change forever. As you try to comprehend everything happening inside you, a friend says, “You’re a good person. You don’t deserve this.”

Or imagine that you’ve experienced a great loss. Your heart aches with grief. The pain is overwhelming, unlike anything you’ve ever known. In an attempt to comfort you, someone says, “This will turn out for your good.”

These are real statements people have heard from well-meaning people in response to suffering. We all know the awkwardness of trying to think of something to say to someone who is suffering. We’ve probably even heard similar statements in response to our own suffering.

As believers in Jesus, we are charged to walk alongside each other in our pain. We are called to mourn with those who mourn (Rom. 12:14). We are to bear one another’s burdens (Gal. 6:2). We are to be compassionate, gentle, and patient with each other (Eph. 4:2; 1 Pet. 3:8). Yet sometimes, in our efforts to reach out to a suffering friend, we unwittingly hurt the very ones we want to help. We might hurt them by what we say. Other times we hurt them when we don’t say anything at all.

Silence can be uncomfortable, so we try to fill it and end up using some cliché that sounds good but ends up adding more wounds to the already pierced heart. Or maybe the suffering our loved one is experiencing threatens our view of God in some way. So we say something to defend that view, more to convince ourselves than anything else. But what we say wounds them further.

Or sometimes, a friend or loved one suffers in a way we don’t understand. It’s not something we have experienced, so we think we have nothing to offer them. We end up not saying anything at all. Or perhaps their pain frightens us, so we avoid being around them. Not saying anything can be equally hurtful.

Basic Principles

What should we do when a friend or loved one is suffering? How can we love them, support them, and journey with them in their suffering in a way that is encouraging and helps rather than hurts them?

Job endured intense suffering, a kind of suffering most of us will never know. In the blink of an eye he lost all his children, his wealth, and his health. Job’s story teaches us many things, most specifically about God’s providential control over suffering. But it also reveals to us a few things about how we respond to suffering. How should we respond? Here are a few basic principles.

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