Every father falls short, even the best ones. This is not to minimize the pain and impact from your father’s pornography use. But hear this: your heart’s longing for a perfect Father is a good thing—in fact, it’s God given.

It’s all too common for children to discover that their dad is addicted to porn. The experience varies through the generations. Baby boomers may have found their dad’s stash of porn magazines under the paint cans in the garage or hidden in a closet. Gen X may have noticed a secret VHS behind the couch or in the trunk of the car. Millennials may have discovered something in the desktop browser history or walked in on their dad viewing pornography in “the computer room.” Gen Z may have caught a glimpse of a website, noticed a strange notification, or saw a porn app on their dad’s phone.

Perhaps you can trace your lifelong struggles with broken sexuality back to the influence of one fateful day, one image, burned into your brain forever—your dad’s porn. Grievously for you, that day isn’t traced back to a stranger but to your own father, adding to the complexity of your pain.

You may be surprised to know that many of the men who seek help for pornography struggles at Harvest USA are married. Many of them have children. This article refers to a dad’s struggles with pornography because, in our ministry, we see this scenario more often than we see moms struggling with porn. Please don’t mistake this to mean that women, moms, and grandmothers don’t struggle with sexual integrity—they do! But for the purposes of this article, we are focusing on the experience of growing up with a dad who uses pornography.

If this isn’t part of your story, I invite you to acknowledge that there’s a hidden demographic of people impacted deeply by sexual sin right in our churches: the children of those who struggle with sexual sin. How might God be calling you to minister more holistically to a family impacted by pornography use?

“Dad’s Secret” Is Never Really a Secret

Pornography use, when it becomes life dominating (some may use the word “addiction”) always includes elements of deception. This means that, if you were the child of a dad addicted to porn, you grew up with shadows and secrets embedded into your home life. The painful truth is that dad’s secret is never really a secret. It impacts the whole family, including the children.

Look at God’s good order in Ephesians 6:1–4:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

A father who is secretly using porn will engage with his family in deceptive ways and subvert the good order God has prescribed. Unrepentant pornography addiction, including patterns of deception that go along with it, cut down a father’s ability to lead, disciple, and instruct his children. A father who pursues this deceptive path will provoke his children to anger and sow seeds of destruction. He unknowingly makes it difficult for his children to honor and respect him because of his pursuit of that which is base and dishonorable.

Dad is dishonoring mom, he is not choosing mom, he is not protecting mom. He has decided to bring another “lover” into the exclusive marriage covenant—pornography.

Even when dads believe that their children don’t know about their secret sin, they’re developing a sinful way of relating to others that their children will experience. Maybe your dad was relationally aloof, dismissive, angry, impatient, selfish, demanding, or an indulgent lover of pleasure in other areas (food, entertainment, spending).

These relational dynamics are a mirror image of what is being pursued in pornography. Porn has no relational requirement and offers self-centered pleasure on demand while using others and diminishing their personhood. A father is deceived if he thinks that pursuing these things behind closed doors will not also train his heart and mind to engage with his children and wife in this very same self-centered, utilitarian way. As a child, maybe you knew something was “off” but could never put your finger on it. Fathers who pursue pornography without repentance will create relational shock waves in the very foundation of the family home—in seen and unseen ways.

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